Newspaper of Bedford Gazette, November 27, 1857, Page 1

Newspaper of Bedford Gazette dated November 27, 1857 Page 1
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11l JIEYER* A: Ullli OaiK WHOLE NO. 2772. VOL. 53. sel cct JJoctrß. [from t/ir State*. STRAY THOUGHTS. BY IT SEAMAN BAKE. Voir anil I, funny creatures—are we not ' Here to-dav, to-morrow —where,' Kver changing rhis our loT, Joy or soriow. ea-e or rare— Thus we journey on through hie, Meeting, pari ing. fri-nds and foes, Mingling in The daily strite, Sharing in it- bl ss and woes— Cioma, coining, Ttli we die, Ever roaming, You and 1. You ar.d I, funny creatures—do you doubt? Remernbei ilns when next we meet, Doubtless, then you'll find it out, As we pass upon the -freer; Do we smile a- brothers should ? A kindly giar.ee from out lire heart, And drop a word, a- oft we could, Thus show a tnanly friendly pait ? Daily meeting, Pu-sing by. Never greeting, You and 1. . You and I, funny creu'ure;—soo n to me The heart v iast llm.b will come and go, And your own will no more be A source of life w here plea-ures flow; Then, smites that given now, u ill form The iris o'er the boundless sea. IVhere friends will gather through the storm, j IlellectitHts there of Ifiee and me— Whilst all alone Those forms will lie, That once were known As you and 1. 11l isc cll anco us. THE BflHL®. A NEW STOTTY, RY CHARLES RE A DC. The* 10.1") train glided from Paddingfon, May 7, IS4-7. fa the left cam part merit of a 1 certain first class carriage, uvre lour passengers; of these, two were worth desct iption. The lady had asmoolh, white, delicate brow, strong ly marked eve-brows, long laches, ryes that seemed fo change color, and a good sized deli cious noulh, wi'h tAeth as white as milk. A mart could not s.-e her nc.se for her -yes and mouth : her own sex could and would have fold us some nonsense about it. .Stir wore an un pretending gi iy,-sh dregs, hot i.. >o ♦-(( to tin- fhroat, uifh lazenger .-'.aped buttons, and a Scotci. Shaw 1 thai agreeably evaded the responsibifi: v of color. She was like a duck —s> tight her plant featners tr vd her; and there she sa!, smooth,snug, and d-lict- u j , wiili a book in ber hand,and a soupewi of iter snowy wrist just visible as she held it. Her opposite neighbor war what I cai! .1 good style of man—the more to his credit, since lie belonged to a corporation that frequently Corns out lh~ worst imaginable style of voting .men. II- was a cavalry officer, aged twenty fi.ve. lie had a it, mstache, but not a very re pulsive one; not one of thosesub-nasaf pig-tails, ciii which sou! is suspended like dew on ahrub, it was short, thick, and black as a coal. His teeth fiad not yet been turned by tobacco smoke to the color of tobacco juice, his clothes did not click < or hang on him; fie had an engaging cmiile, and, what I liked the dog for, his vanity, which was inordinate, was in t!s proper place, his heart, not in his face, jostling mine and oili er people's who have nom ; irj a word, he was what oneo/tener hears of tf.au meets, a voung gentleman. He was conversing in an animated whisper with a companion, a feli-nv officer— they were talking about, what it is far better not to do, w men. Our friend clearly did not wish to be overheard, for he cast, ever and anon, a fuilive glance at his fair vis u vis and lowered his voice. She seemed completely a'e *orbtd in her book, and that reassured him. At last I'ke two tofdters came down to a whisper, and in fhaC whisper (the truth must be told) the one who got down at Slough, and was lost to posterity, bet ten pounds to three, that he who was going with Us to Bath and immortality would stwt kiss either of the ladies opposite up on tiie eiiad. "Done!" "Done!" Mow lam sorry f'til a man f have hitherto praised should have lent himself, even in a whisper, to such a speculation, hut "nobody is wise at ail hours. *' not evert when the clock is striking five and twenty; and you ate to consider bis profession, his good looks, utid tiie temptation— ten to three. After Slough the prrtv was reduced to three; at I wyfunl one !a !v dropped her handker chief : ( aptain D dignan fell on it like a ligT anil relumed it !tk.- a lamb : two or three words were interchanged on the occasion. A* Read ing tiie Marlborough of our tale made one of ttie safe investments of the day ; he bought a limet and a Punch ; the latter was full of steel P'-n thrusts arid wood cuts. Valor arid beauty deigned to laugh at some inflated humbug or cither punctured by Punch. .Now laughing to gether thaws our human ice ; long before Swin don it was a talking match—at Swindon, who so devoted as Dolignan— lie handed them out lie souped them—fie tough-ctiickened them— he brandied and cochinealed on<-, and lie bran ched and burnt sugared the other ; on their re turn to their carriage, one lady pa- ed inlo the inner compartment to inspect a certain gentle man s seat on that side of the line. Reader, had it been you or I, the beauty would have stayed with us till all was blue, ourselves included j not more surely does our slice of-bfead and butler, when it escapes from i our hand, revolve it ever so often, alight face down wards on the carpet. But this was a bit of a fob; Adonis, dragoon—so Venus remained fete a tde with him. Vou have seen a dog meet an unknown female of his species: how hand some, how empesse, how expressive he becomes; such was Dolignan alter Swindon, and to do the dog justice he got handsomer and handsomer; and you nave seen a cat conscious of approach ing cream, such was Miss Haythorne ; she be came demurer and demurer. Presently our captain looked out of'tbe window and laughed . this elicited an inquiring look (1-9 m Miss Hav thorn. "We are only a mile from the Box Tunnel." "Do you always laugh a mile from the Box Tunnel /" inquired tile lady. "1 n variably." "What tori" "Why, hem! it's a gentleman's joke." "Oft ! I don't mind it's being silly if it makes me laugh." Captain D digr.au, thus encouraged, recoun ted to Miss H.ivthorn the f-djyjw mg - . A lady and her hu>i and sat together through tiie Bex Tunnel. i'i.tre gentleman oppo : site, and it was pitch dark Alter the tunnel was passed through, the lady said : "George, how absurd of you to salute me going through ■ the tunnel !" I did no such thing;" "You didn't ?" "\o! why ?" "Why, because suu.e --hou'c-I thought you did!" lire Captain Dolignan laughed, and endea vored to lead his companion to laugh, but it was not to b-* done. The train entered the tunnel. Miss Haythorn. "Ah!" Dolignan. "What is the matter ?" Miss Haythorn. "1 am frightened." Dolignan, (movingto her side,) "Pray do : not be alarmed, I am near you." I Miss Haythorn. "Yon are near me, Very near me indeed, Captain Dolignan," Dolignan. "You know mv name!" Miss Haythorn. "1 heard your fiienrl men tion it. I u ish we were out of this dark place." j Dolignan. "I could be content to spend hours here, reassuring yon, sweet lady."' Miss Haythorn. "Nonsense." Dolignan. "Pweep!" (Grave reader, do not put your lips to the cheek of tlie next pretty girl you meet or you will understand what this means.) Miss Haythorn. "Ee! Ee ! Oh!" 1 Friend. " What's the matter, dear Mi>s Haythorn. "Open tiie door ! open the door !" There was a sound of hurried whispers, the door was shut, and the blind pulled down with hostile sharpness. If any critic falls on me for putting inarticu late s iunds in a dialogue as above, I answer with all tire insolence 1 can command at present. — "Hit ho\ sas tug as yourselves,"bigger, perhaps, sucb as Sopfiocies, Euripides, and iristophines; liny b*gan it, and I harried it of tireni, sore against my will. Miss Haythorn's scream lost a part of"its effect because (tie engine whirled I irtv thousand mur ders at the same moment : and fictitious grief makes itselfheard when real cannot. Between the tunnel and Bath, our voting j friend bad time to ask himself whether his con duct hail been marked by that delicate reserve which is supposed to distinguish the perfect gen i tleman. With a long face, reai or feigned, he held 1 open I'm door—his late liieniis attempted to es cape on li.e other side impossible ! they must pass him. She whom had insulted (Latin for ki-s'd) dep -sited somewhere at his foot, a look j of gentle blushing reproach ; the other, whom !,•• had not insulted, darted red-hot daggeis at ; hi itl from her eves, and so they parted. It was, perhaps, fortunate for Dolignan that i he had tire grace t 1 be fijends with Major Hoi kvns of his regiment, a veteran laughed at by (be voungst ers, for the Major was too apt to look coldfv upon billiard balls and cigars : he had ' seen cannon balls and linstocks. He had also, to tei! the truth, swallow- d a good bit of tiie mess-room poker, but with it some sort ofmoial ' poker, which made it as impossible for Major 4 Hoskycs to descend to an ungentlemaniike word or action as tu brush his own Irowsefs below the • 'npp i Captain Dolignan told this gentiarnan his storv in gleeful accents; but Major Hoskvns | heard him coldly, and as coldly answered that 1 he had known a man lost his la--* lor the same thing. " f hat is nothing," continued the Major, "but unfortunately lie deserved to loose it." At this the blood mounted to the younger ' man's temples, and his senior added," 1 mean to siiv he ts thirty-five; you, I presume,are thirty jone !" "T went v-five." "That is much the tame thing, will you be advised by me ?" "If you \\ ill ad s ise me." j "Sj> ai; to no one of this, and send \\ hiu> the /£.'!, that he may think vou have lost the j bet." "Tb.it is hard when I won it !" "D 1 it for all that, sir." L- t the disbelievers in human perfectibility know thai this dragoon capable of a hln.di did this virtuous action, albeit with violent reluc tance : and this was his first dampen. A week alter these events, he was at a ball. He was in the state of factitious discontent which belongs to 11s amiable English. He was looking, in vain for a ladv equal in personal attractions to the idea he had formed <>f George Dolignan as a man, when suddenly there glided, past him a most delightful vision ! a lady whose beauty and symmetry look him by the eyes—another 1 look : "lt can't be I"—"Yes it is!" Mns Haythorn! (not that he knew her name ;) but what an apotheosis! The duck had become a pea hen—radient, dazzling, she looked twice as beautiful and al most twice as large as before. He lost sight of her. He found her again. She was so lovely BEDFORD, PA., FRIDAY MORNflfc, NOVEMBER 27,1857. sh-> made him ill, and he,alone, must not dance with her, speak to ! -r. If he had been content to begin her acquaintance the usnai way, it might have ended in kissing, but having begun with kissing, it mus: end j n nothing. As she danced, sparks of hi.my feu j| Ol ,i her on all around, but him—s'e did not see him :it was clear she never w .lil see him—one gentle man was particularly assiduous : she smiled on his assiduity : he was ugly, but she smiled on him. Dolignan wa surprised at his success, his ill taste, hi* glims*, his impertinence. Dolignan at last to.id himself injured . "Who was tlrisman " i what right had he to go on sa ?" "He harinever kissed her, I suppose," said Dolly. Doli.' mil could not prove it, but tie felt that some >v the rights of property were in varied. H- went home and dreamed ol Miss Haythorn, and hated all the uglv success ful. He spent a ,-tnight trying to find out who this beauty wis—he never could encoun ter her agam. A last he of her in this way : a lawyer's ;|||( paid him a little visit, commenced a lit tact iin against him, in th<* name of Miss Hay horn, for insulting her in a railway train. The vonngger .e man w as shocked : endeav ored to > i|i en the 1, iwer's clerk ; that machine did not thorough comprehend the meaning o( the term. The iy's name, however, was at least revealed by lug untoward accident, from her name to her (dress was hut a short step arid the same ou crest-fallen hero lay in wait at her door—an. ianv a succeeding day with out effect. But tie* fine afternoon she issued forth quite nam illy, as if she did it every dav, ami walked bri- y on tlie nearest Paiade. Dol ignan did the s:. le ; lie met and passed her many times on e patade, and sealctied for pitv in tier eyes, but ound neither'look, nor recog nition, nor any titer sentiment. For all this she walked am:w&lked, tiil uli the other proin enaders were t d and gone—then her culprit summoned res iiion, and taking olf his hat, with a voice tr nufuus, fur the first time he sought peruu.-s u to adores- her. She stopper lushed, and neither acknowl edged no;* d .w'r.er! his acquaintance. He blushed, starru red out how ashamed he was, how lie deser-d t<> he punished, how he whs punished, how itl- she knew how unhappy he was : and coi ind-d by begujngher not to let all tlie world now the disgrace of a man who was already u rtJ.fi' d enough tiy tin* loss of tier acquaintance. She askeii an explanation. He • told her of tl, action that had been commenced in her name, -die gerrtfv shrugged her shoul der?, and sai ""Row stupid they are'" Em boldened by is, he begged to know whether or not a lue distant unpretending devotion would, alter lapse ol years, erase the memory of his madrx —his crime! "She did it, know!" "She iiiusi .oQbid him a lieu, as stie had some preperatinns make lor a ball hi the cresent, wliere ev rti 'ft/ wits to h". They parted, and Dolignan de mined to be at the ia!!, where c very tr (I yuj to he. He was tfiere, and after some time I obtained an introduction to Miss Haythorn, ; ihe danced with her. Her man tier was gra 'tis. With tlie wonderful tact ol her sex, sir- -ejned to have commenced the ac quaintance it evening. That night, lor the hist time, I igr un was in love. I will spare the reader . ;V lover's art.-, bv which lie suc ceeded in d mg w here she-dined, in dancing where she < nq*d, in overtaking her by arci : dent when eln J-. His'devotion followed her even ti hdjrch, where our dragoon was rewarded ! horning there is a world where thev rieiih pd! •. nor smoke—the two capital abotninalri offthis one. He mad acauairilarice with her uncle, who liked him, d|.e saw at last, with joy, that her eve loved dtt-11 upon nim w hen she thought lie du! nut "wr- e her. It wji- i ee mouths otter the Box TtinneJ that Capta D lignan called one day upon Captain }|'lh' :n, R. X., whom he tiad met twice in I life, and slightly propitiated by vi olently li- ting I" a cut'ing-out expedition, lie called, id, in the usual way, asked per mission i 'V Ins addresses to his daughter- The wort i' Captain straightway began doing Quarter !' ; ' i - when suddenly fie was sum moned 1 A the apartment by a mysterious message. Qfiji his return he announced, with a total cliai:" of voice, that "it was all right: and . his visile aught run alongside as soon us he chose." Mv re er has divined tlie truth; this nauti cal com;: nder, terrible to the foe, was in com plete an iappy subjugation to his daughter, our hep As h- va* taking have, Dolignan saw his divinity ;de l "'° Hie dra wing-room. He fol lowec! f. , observed a sweet consciousness that encmirii; d:hi:n: that consciousness deepened into co; Mom: she tried to laugh: she cried in stead, a : fben sfie smiled again; and whet) he kissed I hand at the door.it was "George" and jV; ian," instead ol Captain this and Miss the oil)' • oA reasonable time alter this - , (tor my tale is r"rctluI, and skips formai ities and tortur ing (ielav*-)|'hese two were very happy; they were < cewmore upon the railroad, going to enjoy eir honey moon all by themselves. M;n ;.r" if an was dressed just as before, duck like aii delicious all bright excejit her clothes; hut G. .rge.sat bisuie her this time instead ol opposi'-. anc ' s 'ie drank him in gently from her km.To e*lashes. "Mai ian," said George, "mar: ' ' je' p'e should tell each other all. Will von e< fcrgive me il lowu to vou no—" y , #•>:" len! you iememiier the Box Tunnel? (this W'e first allusion he had ventured to it.j .] am ashamed to say I had bet £3 to jL'lO w ithlVhf* I would kiss one cif you two ladies, and (>e"ge, pathetic externally, chuckled within--j 4j ,ai*v that, George; I overheard you.' was t^ijw'onre reply. "C ! overheard me? impossible." 4s.yid|did you not hear me whisper to my

I made a bet with her. " Freedom of Thought and Opinion. I " Younn&fr a bet, how singular' What was "On!fro pair of glovfs, George. " " know. but what about it?" . 'Thaw" f you did you should be my husband, deaie^.'r "Ob Ifcf stav; tbe'n you could not have been so very fhcrv wfth me, low. V\ by dearest, : then u'hf brought that action against me?" MrsfflSJfgnan looked down. "I djUT'afraid voti was forgetting me!" "SweJt ang'd! here is the Box Tunnel:' Now leader —fie! no! no such thing! You j can't expect to lie indulged in this way every time you come to a dark place; besides, it is not the thing. Consider, two sensible married peo ple no such plienome nori, I assure you, took [dace. No scream issued in hopeless rivalry of ! the engine—this time! POPPING THE QUESTION'. There is nothing more appalling to_a modest and sensible voting man, than asking the girl , he loves, to marry him, ami there are few who do not timl their moral courage, tasked to the utmost. Many a man who would lead a forlorn hope, ; mount a breach, and seek the bubble reputation even at the cannon's mouth, trembles at the j idea of asking a woman the question which is to . decide his l ite. Ladies may congratulate them selves that nature and custom have made them tlie responding part v. In a matter which men have always found so . terrible, yet which in one way or other they have always contrived in some awkward way i to accomplish, it is not easy to give instructions j suited to every ••mergence. .A man naturally conforms to the disposition of the woman he admires. If she he serious, , he will approach the awhi] subject with due . solemnity: ifgay aqd lively, he will make it an excellent joke; if soft I v sentimental, he must woo fief in a strain of high romance, and if se verely practical, relies upon straight-forward common sense. There is one maxim of universal application. ! Never lose an opportunity. What can a wo man ihrrikofa lover who neglects one? Wo- i men cannot make direct advances, but they use' infinite '"act in giving men occasions to make them. |h every case it is fair to presume that when a woman gi\es a man an opportunity, she expects him to improve it ; and though lie may trembje, and fee] hi- pulse throbbing and tingling through ev.rv limb :• though his heart I hr< >a nis t 'ocue cleaves to the roof of his month, vet the awful question must be asked, the fearful task accomplish-; ed. In thecountiv, the lover is taking a roman tic. walk by moonlight, with the lady ol bis love—talks of the beauties of the scenery, the : harmony ol the nature am! exclaims—".Ah! Julia, how happy would existence prove, il l always had such a companion " She sighs and leans more tremblingly on the : arm that treumbiingly supports her. "Mv dearest Juiia, be mine forever." Tiiis is a sett jer. and the answer even so in- i audible, makes or undoes him quite. '-Take pitv on a lurlorn bachelor," a-' wither, in a ; manner which maybe either j-st : or in earncs': "marry me at once and put rue ; oui of mv miser v." "With all n v heart, whenever you are rea- , dy.\ replies the laughing fair. A joke carried ; thus far is easily made earnest. .\ point is often carried by taking a thing for ; granted. A gentleman who has been paving attention to a lady, -avs, "Well. Alary, when j is the happy day ?" "What d<iv, pray "she asks with a conscious hltisli. "Why, everybody knows we are going to be i married, and d might as w ell lie at one time as another; so when shall it be?" Cornered in tins fashion there is no retreat. "Jane, I love von. Will you marrv me?": would be som-what abrupt, and a frankly given "ves!" would r>e short and sweet for an an-! swer. "Ellen, one word from you wonld make me the happiest ir an in the universe. "I should be rtiie] not to speak if. then, unless it is a v pry hard one." "it is a word of three letteis ami answer the question, l\ ill von have me ?" The iadv of course .-ays "Yes," unless she happens to prefer a word of only two letters, and answers "No." And so this interesting and simple process, in practice simple as it is in theory, is varied in a hundred ways, according to circumstances and the various dispositions. One timid gentleman a-ks, "Have you any objections to changing your name?" and fol lows this up with another which clinches its significance, "How would mine suit you ?" i Another asks, "Will you tell rne what I most wish to know ?" "Yes, il l can," " The happy dav when weshali he married 7 " Another sav-, "Mv dear Eliza, we must do what all the world evidently expects we shall ?" "All the world is verv impertinent." "1 know it—hut it can't be helped. When shall I tell the parson to he ready ?" Asa general thing, a gentleman need never be lefused. Every women, except a heart l"ss coquette, finds the means of discouraging a roan whom she do-s not intend to have, before the matter comes to a point of declaration. A DispuTi.n QCKSTION. —An old toper, after indulging quite fre-ly in his accustomed bever age. amused himself in teasing a mettlesome horse. The animal not fancying his familiari ties. suddenly reared, and the disciple of Bac cus found himself.sprawling in an adjacent mud puddle. Gathering himself up as composed as his situation would allow, be shouted to his son who was standing bv : "John, did you see me kick that 'ere boss ?" "Whv no, dad ; the hoss kicked you !" "Reckon not, John. One or t'other of us got badly hoisted. Taint me, John, for Vm here!" DON'T HE A BACHELOR. Young men, don't live a crusty bachelor, it is not good for you. It will never improve your morals, your heaith, nor your beauty. — Marry as you can make it convenient, and as , vou can shape your affairs to support a wife.— ! But when you marrv, don't fall in love with a : face instead of a woman. Remember that com rnon sense is a rare virtue, much better than silver and gold and fashion. Don't court and ' marry crinoline and mon- bags, simply be cause it is crinoline or gold m plenty : but look for sound, practical sense in alwoman first:— thai is the touch stone to try h|r other qualities | by. When you have that, all elsf comes. Aour wife, that is to be, it she is full of com mon sense, ' will grow to your way of thinking and make ' you grow to hers. A woman who lias woman ; iy love in her heart will tin t ways to make ! your love towards her grow as the years go over you both. And another thing needs to be heeded, and that is—a conmjen sense wo -1 man is not to be found where fashion insi.-ts upon dragging young females into a whirl, | where there is simply idie gossip and little brain. Young man ! don't stand looking after that ; young woman who has the distinguished air, the reputation o! a flirt and a wile, whose la ! ther has heaps of cash : for it ; - not possible that u liile you are straintng your eves that way vou may be turning your back upon some un obtrusive little damsel whom naiure has cut as your other half, and who may be :st that plea sant faced, placid tempered, lovea e little crea ture who will think enough of you to go with you to the end of the world, and stay by and comfort you when you get grey haired and fidgety. Marrv, young gentlemen, and keep your selves out of scrapes. Have something to live for. A man alone in the world isn't more than half a man, and the world want# entire man.— .So mend vourself, and be happy. And you i shall have reason to say it was a cood thing ' vou resolved to marry and refused to be a soli : tary, beer drinking, pipe smoking : ache lor, if ; vou succeed as well in your efforts as he who, > once a young mau like you, is now simply the I old, coritenteJ ana comfortable.— Lije lUustra -1 ted. LIFE AND DEATH \ We are like children, who, wafting lr, a sun ' ny path, behold their shadow and waxier at it. So do we, walking in tht v ligh? of iile, '.wonder at our shadow—death. Lifers th te4l, wre • table miracle, but we become so acrus'4:ned to the beautiful mystery that we are only surpris ed at its absence. I And vet, why should we wondrr? forlDath i also, as Life, is our continual, abiding gcbti He walks with us, and sleeps with in, and breaks with us our bread. Where we -t and | weep, he stands beside us ; and where the laugh rings out gavly, there, also, is this solemn, in visible presence. We go on in our accmtomed ways—we talk, and laugh, and tell our pleas -1 ant jests: but meanwhile our shadows lengthen, ; as shadows lengthen towards the nighttal , and not far on, whither our feet hasten, sits a soi ; emn presence, waiting lor us. Oh! islliere no swift, shining angel, who will turn aside our j feet into another path?—another path, where the grass mav grow again beneath our feet,and ; not above our graves 1 Oh, save us! Oh, guard ; us, angels of pity ! ■Say, there is in Heaven no angel so strong that he may turn aside thine errand, 0 swift, sure, terrible death ! Haste as we will, the | Shadow gains apace upon our laggard steps. — i Nav, look not over thy shoulder, poor, bieath less. human fugitive!—even beside thee in the race, is he whom thou wouldst have left be i Ilin:i ' What drug shall we administer unto ther, O undeeired companion ! —what herb growing un der the moon, that thou mayst sleep, and re lease us but fur an hour from thy terrible vigi lance? There is r:o medicine. The years come and go. and the seasons, swift, or in slow, sweet, regretful recession : hut this blank shade ,—the shadow of the seasons and the years, the shadow of the world and aii that is therein —this comes, and goes not ; this is forever with us! But what land is this beyond us, O our com panion ?—this immortal land! Is this the cliine we have sought so long and vainly, 1 whither have fled all those summers of our youth which we besought with prayers and tears to stay ? Here we may find again the lost glory of those days, the bloom and the ! song ? There cometh an answer:—"Out of the night is the morning born. Darkness alone j makes visible to our blinded eyes the thousand shining sphered lights, which goon with us in the great world-procession, singing forever. — Even so doth our Father order that this shadow shall open to us the gate of the land of light."' Unbind, then, from thy garland, O sad angel the cvpressand the willow! Wear instead the violet and the lilv, and lead us, swiftly as thoc wilt, into the immortal land beyond ? I grocer having mentioned to one o his lady customers that the submarine telegraph was broken,she replied, that if in their attempt they should grease the cable with same of hi: strong butter, which she had been using foi i some time, she thought it would impart strength to it. The grocer smiled faintly out of compli ment, but didn't see the point of the joke. editor of the "Wring and Twist,' says he has seen the contrivance which oui lawyers use when they "warm up with th subject. He mereley says: "It's a glass con cern and holds near a pint: advices the Governor of Utah t< go it while he's Young., The advice is sen sible, for sombody is Comming who'll checl him. I Gov. Izard, "of Nebraska, has resigned. TF.KTIS, • PER VRJIR. NEW SERIES—VOL 1, N'o. 17. ij amorous. A GREENHORN ON THE LOCOMOTIVE. Mr. Snodgrass, J union, has been "scooting around" at the VVest, and as some of hisexperi encesar* rather amusing we copy an extract, as follow s : When we got to the rlepo, I went arnund to git a look at the iron boss. Tiiunderation ! it wasn t rio more like a hoss than a meetin house. It I was goin to describe the animuie I'd say it looked like—well, it looked like—darned if I know t chut it looked like, unless it was a regu lar he devil, snorting fire and brimstone out of his nostrils, and pulling out black smoke ail round, and pantin,and bevin, and swellin, and chawin up red hot coals like ihey was good. A fellow stood in a little house like, feedin him all the time ; but the more he got the more he wanted, and (lie more he blowed and snorted. After a spell the feller catched him by the tail, and great Jerico ! he set up a yell that split the ground for more'n a mile and a half and the next minit I felt my legs a waggin, and found myself at t'other end of the string o'vehiekles. I wasn't ikeered, but I had three chills and a stroke of palsy in less than five minits, and my face had a curious browmsh-yeller-blueish col or in it, which was perfectly unaccountable. "Well," says I, "comment is And J took a seat in the nearest wagin, or car, a- they call it—a consarned long seam&oat look in thing, with a string of pews down each side, big enough to hold about a man and-a-half. Just as I sat down the boss hollered twice, and started on like a streak, pitched me head first at the stomach of a big Irish woman, and she gave a tremenjous grunt and then ketcn'd me by the head and ciammed me under the seat ; and when J got out and staggered to another seat, the cars was a jurnpin and tearin along at nigh onto forty thousand miles an hour, and every body was a bobbin up and down like a mill saw, and every wretch of'em had his mouth wide open and looked like they was lattin, but I couldn't hear nothin, the cars kept such a rackii. Dirceby they stopped all at once, and then such another lafFbusted out o'ihem pas sengeisas 1 never heard before. Lattin at me, too, that's what made me mad, and I was mad as thunder, too. 1 ris up aud shakiu' my fist at 'em, says I, "Ladies aud gentleman, look a herel I'm a peacabi? stranger " and away the dern train went like small pox was in town, jerking me down in the seat with a whack like I'd been thiown from the moon, and their cussed mouths flopped open and the feller# went to bobbin'up and down again. I put on an air ol magnanimous contempt like, and took no more notice of'em, and very naturally went to bobbin up and down myself. A SERMON for effect should be pointed.— A man once commenced a sermon thus: 'Without the least ceremony, friendly hear ers, I drop among you. You need preaching as the dried herring needs rain. You need wet ting with the blistering blackstrap of every day gospel, and it's my dutv to give it to you. I am running over with that kind ol gospel—as full as an Irishman of liquor—arid preach I must. Woe is me if I don't give the incorrigi ble particular fits.' 'I have a call to preach to you. Sceptics need not sav it was some other noise. My duty is plain as your abominable wickedness. My heart has long yearned over you as a shin gle would yearn over the tender parts of a vi cious schoolboy. Like a lean turkey in grass hopper time, I am bound to pursue you in every hiding place, and drag vour iniquities to light. As terrible as a fish hawk upon a lazy suck-r in shoai water, will be my swoop, but when I see the tear of repentance gleaming upon the cheek as a mother to her babe, will I smile again and pour balm as grateful as warm tallow on a blister, into vour wounded hearts. You will learn to love them, and I shall have cause to remember gratefully yiur granaries and your pork barrels.' QUERY. —Tell me ye winged wind that round my pathway roar, do ye not know some quiet spot where hoops are worn no more f Some lone and silent dell, some Island or some cavp, where women can walk three abreast along the village pave ? The loud wind 3 his sed around my face, and snickering answered, "nary place." Cf^ = ""John," said a father to his son. one day when he caught him shaving the "down" off his upp-r lip, "don't throw your shaving water where there are any barefooted boys, for they might get their feet pricked." A raw Irishman, on his first sight of a loco motive,declared it was the devil. "No" said his companion, "it's only a steamboat hunting for water." A little child in church observing the minis ter to be very vehement in his words and ges tures, cried out, "Mother, why don't they let the man out of the box ?" gentleman was once making fun of a sack which a voung lady wore. "You had bet ter keep quiet," was the reply, "or I will give you the sack."—"l should be most happy," was the gallant response, "if you would give it to me as it is, with yourself inside of it." Some one says of certain congregation that they prav on their knees on Sundays, and on their neighbors the rest of the week. They got so modest at Newport that they call the big sponge in the ladies, bathing-house a "wash-woman !" A poor wife 'dears'and 'my loves' her hus band, and wouldn't sew a button on his coat to keep him from freezing to death. A wise girl would win a lover by practis ing those virtues which secure admiration vrhen personal charms have faded.