Newspaper of Bedford Gazette, November 16, 1860, Page 1

Newspaper of Bedford Gazette dated November 16, 1860 Page 1
Text content (automatically generated)

VOLi nE r7. NEW SERIES. Broad top hail-koad 1 . cements have been effected between the ■ K. CO. and HUNTINGDON! • RIIO AD TOP R. R. GO., by which Freights are I L.rted at the following low rates; From, unwell to Philadelphix, Flour, 62 4 cents per hir- j f Grain 31 cents per 100 lbs. Merchandize wLtward. From Philadelphia to Hopewell, per 100 , Wt Class, 7.j cents. 2d class. 00 cts. 3d class | | a cents. Ith class. 35 cents. Salt and Plaster.;- ' v '.lah'fs Westward are received at the Pennsyl- Railroad Station, 13th and Market Streets, j .Utiw-'of Brosd.op K. X,_..d ' Fiei"ht a<ent, Pen'na. R. R. Co., Phil a. S. S. Ff.UCK, l- hi A cent. H. &B.T. R. R.. Hopewell Station. 'lUFUesbutg Coal, Fine and C.ump, always on hand and for sale. S. S. FLUCK. Sept. ",^ 60 - /CONFECTIONARY (J AND GROCERY. THF unilers'zoed has juM leceived and keeps coos-antly on hand the following articles c-Uep tuar, molasses, cheese, crackers, curiants, " 'raisins, figs, almonds, filberts, cocoa nuts, groundnuts, pecans, Eng. walnuts, cream nuts, can " „ s in variety, oranges, lemo"=. tobacco sod cigars, ~-ce and pepper, spices of all kinds, batting so "V ' ream of tartar, sulpbur. brimstone, canister 1 ■ a powder, shot, caps and lead, grain and grass | ttirl. wbettin? tools, wash tubs and boards, in- | xtract logwood, coppe-as, a'.um and madder, | '. H , |!S h and Mason's blacking, sweeping, dusting shoe and scrubbing, brushes, clothes, hair, i, ■ d flesh brushes, bat and infant brushes, hair „ • perfumery, purses and port, pock • ' n omorandum books, bonnet and round gum r< << .dding" and fine combs, bracelets and j C pen-, pen-holders, penknives, scissor-, kniie- | , - -teners, umbrellas, suspenders, spool cottoo and | ,xs' clocks, small looking glares, v-ohos, •T-jpes, toy watches, watch chains, cany combs, , card-s borse brushes, shoe-thieod, pegs and ] hies, Johnson's Arabian Liniment, Rock and Little s , White Oil, Merchant's celebrated Gargling Oil, lor mar. or beast, and many other articles ola similar nature. The patronage of the public is respectiullv solicited. a L DF.FI BAUGH. June 17,'59.-ly. t>loody hi n foundry I 5 AND MACHINE S R O P • fHF. subscriber? are now preparer) at thei Foundry in Bloodv Run, to till ail orders for Castings THRESHING MACHINES. APPLE MILLS, PLOUGHS and all things else in outline that may be needed in this or adjoining counties. \Ve Ti'tilllliacniie ri,,-i..- M- u ' 1 or Hor-e Power, WARRANTED equal if not supenoi to any made in the State. We keep constantly on hand a full assortment of Woo.i Cock, Plug and Hillside Ploughs, WARRANTED 'o give satislac tion" or no sale. Points, shares end land sides to fit all Woodcock, or Seyler ploughs in the county. Farmers' Bells, Ploughs and Castings ot our make may be had at the store of Wm. Hartley, in Bedford. Sonderbaugb K Pee, East Providence Tp., John Nycum he Son, " " Times being bard, we offer great inducements to Farmers and~Mechanics to buy of us. All kinds of repairing done in a neat and substan tial manner and all work warranted. Call and ex amine our castings and work and judge tor your selves. Our agents sell at foundry prices. JOSIAH BAUGH.MAN he KRO. March 26, 1658. * FOUNDRY & MACHINE SHOD. 1 THF. subscrbecs having formed a partnership under the style of "Dock hs Aschom" for the pur pose of conducting a general FOUNDRY AND MACHINE business in the establi-hment recently erected by Gilliard Dock, in Hopewell, Bedford countv. ar- nnw prepared to execute orders lor CASTINGS Ah D MACHINERY of everv description. They will build to order steam-engines, coal and dritt-c3rs, horse powers and threshing machines—also, casting of every kind tor furnaces. Jorges, saw, grtsi and rolling mills, ploughs, water-pipe, columns, bouse fronts, bracke s, hcc., hcc. They are also, now making a fine assortment of STOVES of various kinds ot the latest patterns and mo-t approved styles, including several s-zes of COOK STOVES of the best make, hetting stoves for chuiches, offices, bar-rooms, hcc. A full assortment of Stoves will be kept constant ly on hand, and sold at wholesale and retail, at prices to suit the times, and quality, warranted qual to the best Eastern make. Machinery of all inds repaired pr omptly. Pattern- made to order. GILLIARD DOCK, C. W. ASCHOM. Nov. It, ISS'J DEDFORD COUNTY MAP 1 Will mas-e a directory map of Bedford County from actual surveys, if a sufficient number ol -ui> scribers can be raised to justify me in the enter prise. The map will be large and well finished and w i Ti show the location of all the public roads streams, boundary lines, towns, villages, Hotels, ( (lurches, School House?. Post Offices, stores, grist mills, saw mills ,Vc., hcc., and will contain the names of all the property holders, and show the businesthat almos. each one is engaged in. I will put on the satns sheet maps of all the towns and large villages, ai>o tables and statistics o! the County and (if taken in time) the census of IS6O. Pains will be taken to make it a- reliable as anv Map in the Sa jf- Julv 1,'59. EPW'P. L. WALKF.R. \\ ASHI\(iTA > > BEDFORD. PA. MRS. S. FILLER would respectfully announce to her friends in Bedford County, and to the public generally, that she has leased, for a term of years, the latge and convenient brick hotel, at the comer of P-tt and Juliana streets. Bedford, Pa., known as the "WASHINGTON HOUSE," and lately kept by MRS. COOK. This house is being thoroughly re fitted anil refurnished, and is now open for the re ception of guests. Visitors to the "BEDFORD SPRINGS" and persons attending Court, will find this bouse a pleasant and comfortable temporary home. Ev-ry attention will be paid to the comfort and accommodation of guests. The table will at al! time? be supplied with the best the markets affotd. Charges moderate. Extensive stabling is attached to this bote!, and a careful and competent hotler will be in atten dance. Special attention will be paid to the accom modation of the rarming community. March 30tb. 1860. \ LOT OP PURE MAPLE SUGAR, FOR SALE . \ bv „ .lullvo.-00. A. L. DEFIKAUGH. 'FHE BEDFORD GAZETTE "™- IS PUBT.ISHEC EVERY FRIOAY MORNING BY B. F. IIEYEBS, At the following terms, to wit: $1.50 per annum, CASH, in advance. s2.ou " " if paid within the year. $2.50 " " if not paid within the year. subscription taken for less than six months. C3°"No paper discontinued until all arrearages are paid, unless at the option of the publisher, at hae heen decided by the United States Courts that ths stoppage of a newspaper without toe payment ol ar rearages, is prima fact? evidence ot fraud and is a criminal offence. K?~Tbe courts have decided that persons are ac countable for the subscription price of newspapers, it they take them from the post office,whether they subscribe for them, or not. AN ADVENT! RE IN INDIA- "Your turn now, captain," was the exclama tion of several parties, who were seated rounJ the convivial board, telling stories, narrating adventures, singing songs, and drinking each other's healths. "What will you have, gentlemen?" in quired Captain S , a small, wiry man of middle age, who had seen service in India. "Oh, one of your most thrilling adventures," said one of the party; "for suiely you must have had some, while stationed in that wild legion which is said to teem with them." '•Ah ! very well, gentlemen I remember one that I think thai will intetest you, and here you have it. It was in the year 183-, that j joined my regiment, as a sub, at Banga lore, and not being used to such a climate, where the mercury runs up to 110 degs. in the spring, with no idea ot coming down again till autumn, I soon found myself an invalid, and almost cursed the day that 1 had been tempted to leave cool old England for such a sweltering country. Some of my friends advised a trip to the Malabar coast, and I was nothing loth to try anv change, believing even the worst I could possibly make must be for the better. So 1 procured a palanquin, and good bearers, 'to take a turn aoout, and set. off" forthwith, I through as wild a country as jioor mortal could i wish to see. "Nothing remarkable happened till we en tered what is known as the Wynaid Jungle, aud if nothing had happened there I should have been tempted to indite the whole country as a libel on appearances. Such a jungle as that may I never behold again ! Reeds, weeds, grass, brambles, and bushes were interlaced like a network beneath gigantic trees ol teak, whos i) ws interlocked and canopied the whole, so that n many places the bright sunshine of never pnitwaittf vu the rand , as I borne along in rny palagquin, on the' shoulders ot four timid coolies, while the other four wal ked leisurely behind, I had the satisfaction of knowing 1 was in a perfect wilderness inhabit ed by wild elephants, wild boars, tigers, jeop ards, hyenas, jackals, and any number ot deadly reptile?, aud tnat if vve were attacked, by any feiocious beast, I should probably be deserted on theinstaut and left to take care of myself. And then fancy me at night, with ali these howling beasts arounti me, attempting to sleep, amid all the jioisonous exhalations ot a malarious region, with miUioas, of mosquitoes, molha and bugs, humming, buzzing, and perforating every pore of body, and you will form some faint idea ot the pleasures of a sick man's journey. "Well, one hot, sultry afternoon, when we iiad reached somewhere near the heart of litis jungle, as 1 was leaning back on the seat ofmy palanquin, aud dreamily to the drowsy, monotonous song oi the bearers, 1 was suddenly rous"d and startled by two or three hoarse trumpet blasts, which proceeded from a wild elephant, who was crashing thiough the jungle at no great distance ; but before I had '.ifm* lor a word, my attendants dropped ine without ceremony, and betooK themselves to flight. I leaped to mv feet,with kind of delirous strength, and, know ing there was not a minute between me and eternity il I remaind where I then, 1 plunged into the copse, aud ran like a madman in the direction opposite to the sounOs of mv advancing loe. "Fortunately for me, I was only a few sec onds in reaching 'he foot ola iarge teak tree, up which I began to climb as only a man may climb for life. 1 heard the monster crushing down the bdshes, and making the very earth tremble under his powerful tread, and I went up, up, up, faster than 1 ever climbed a tree before or ever shall again, with every stitch of clothes upon me completely saturated with the perspiration wrung troin me in an agony of fear —not so much the natural fear ot death itself, as the instinctive fearol such a death. "1 think the animal nuis' have turned Irom a direct course before e.-pying rne ; for though close upon me, as 1 supposed, when 1 began to climb, 1 succeeded in leactnng tbe first limb, at least some thirty feet from the earth, when ihe ma ie his appearance at the foot of the tree, ' snorting and bellowing in the most terrific manner. Seeing me beyond his reach, he I lashed himself into a perfect fury, his compara tively small, p'2 like eyes shooting gleams ol tire a? he casi|them upwards in his disappoin ted rage. Then lay ing hold of the tree with I his trunk, he tried his strength in shaking it ; j but as it vvas too heavy for hun to eudanger my > position by that means, he soon relinquished it j for another. Quietly stepping back a lew paces, he measured his ground ; and then with a sudden bound forward, he struck the tree a tremendous blow with his head and tusks. 1 was watching him closely, but only barely comprehended his design in time to throw my arm? and legs around a limb, and brace myself for the shock. Nor was lat all too well pre pared ; for tbe concussion brnised ine con siderable, and it seemed to me as it a few pounds more force must have sent me clean lrom off rny perch. "But my enemy was not done yet. Step ping back and looking up at me with an ex pression that seemed to inquire what I thought of it, at the same time that he would assure me ot its being only the beginning ofjhis battering BEDFORD, PA„ FRIDAY MORNING, NOVEMBER 16,1860. operations, he returned to the charge wilh in-j creased vigor. But this time 1 was better prepared for him, and come not so near being j unseated as on Ihe first trial. Nothing dis couraged, he retreated still further, aud then i came down like an avalanche. It was terri- ; ble. *1 had.twined and braced myself in every j possible manner ; but when he struck, it seemed ; a? if the concussion, after first bruising me, and almost knocking the breath from my body, re-, laxed evprv nerve. Doubtless, I should have fallen to the earlb below, only that I was pretty securely balanced in the crotch of the tiee, and, having resisted the main shock, had now no difficult) in retaining an upright posi tion. "On again looking diwn at the elephant, I was surprised to see him with his head last a-1 gainst the tree, lashing his tail, pawing the earth, and uttering a sort of moaning, bellow ing sound, altogether not unlike a vicious bull when about to make ail attack. I did not at first comprehend what had occurred, but suppo sed his actions to result (rom the anger ot dis- i appointment in not being anle to bring m° to the ground. But I soon had cause tor rejoi cing rather than fear. His last charge had , been made with so much force, as to imbed his long ivory tusks in the tree, aud he was now a I piisoner to his own brute strength. In vain he , | pulled and wrenched, moaned, bellowed, and 1 lashed himself into a perfect fury. Ttiete he ! was, a fast prisoner—caught, as one might say, 1 in his own trap —and if ever a poor mortal was j justified in rejoicing over the mistortuoes ot a i living creature, I think that individual t vvas myself. "But 1 was still a prisoner also. How was I to get down ? and how make mv escape when down ? True, the elephant might not be able to liberate himself in tune to do me any injury; but I already knew euougt: ol tbe terrible jun gle to (eel little inclination to sett off' through tit alone. There were many intricate paths j branching off from the main one, over which I I had been borne, and the mistake ol taking any j one ot these would almost certainly be fatal— ! resulting in death from starvation through be ; ing lost, or death from some one of the thousand ' other surrounding perils. W hat should I do ? ! It was reasonable to hope that seme of my at- S tpndants would, sooner or latter, return to learn i the late of their master ; and before venturing on anything rash, I resolved to wait a proper i time tor them. "Drearilv passed the next three hours that I ' remained upon my pj'ldy perch, above the im- 4 ; prisoned beast, looking off upon an undulating i >mo uf UIMICU lot IUX; ?, win, !.- ~jn of lhar j tropical climate pouring down upon ine its ! scorching rays, and almost stifling me with its j feverish hea'. How eagerly I turned my eyes in every direction, in ttie hope of getting a 1 glimpse of one my attendants, to whom I could make known my situation. No human being i was in sight, and my wildest shouts brought no reply. Should 1 remain where I was, or de i scend ? W'e were, as f knew, almost a half a ! day'sjournev from anv settlemeinent, and it | would therefore he impossible fitvf me to reach a ! habitation belore nightfall, even should I be for ; tunate enough to follow the nearest path, while a single mistake would leave me to peri-h in j that awful solitude. I decided, therefore, to I remain where 1 vvas. either till the sun ofanolh i er day, or till 1 should s-e at least one human | being capable uf acting as -t guide. ! "The sun was rapidly Hearing the western ' horizon, and f was despairing of any succor that ; day, when my attention was attracted to a com - motion in the jungle, some quarter of a mile •' distant. Bird? ol various kinds flew upscream i ing, and either hovered over the spot in anger !or darted quickly away in (ear, and I could ! catch glimpses ol the deer, the elk, and the buff j aio, bounding off in every direction. What j could be the cause ot this disturbance ? Was ! •( some one or more of my attendants turning >to ascertain my late ? Alvn, I knew, was al i most universally teare! bv tne wild, leathered | tribe of the wilderness and Hie annuals of tbe • brute creation, aud in man was now my hope ' Wildly did my heart beat, and eageily did I strain ray ey-s to catch a view of my deliver er. "The line of commotion advanced slowly, but still I could not be certain of the cause.— Nearer and nearer it gradually came, till at last I felt a cold thril of terror pass through my frame, as I suddenly caught a glimpse ot the i sleek, spotted hide of a royal tiger, slowly and ; softly making his way the jungle di j rectlv towards the tree upon which I was ' perched. I looked down at the elephant, and ! perceived that by some peculiar faculty or in i stinct he was already aware uf his danger.— | He was standing perfectly still, no longer ma king an effort to release himself, but I could see tbe skin of his broad back quiver, as if ev ery nerve of his body were effected. "Tbe tiger gradually drew nearer, and at last stopped within a few paces, as if to calcu late his chances. Then, with bristling hair, he stole sofliy round bis intended victim in a broad circle, his sharp teeth visible and his terrible eyes glaring with fierce anger and desire.— , Then crouching for the spring, he gave one ; fearful roar and bound,and fairly landed upon j j the back of his helpless victim, who uttered one ! agonized cry—a sort of shriek and groan com- I bined—that made me pity him. enemy though j he was. "But his sufferings were of short, duration ; as he could make no resistance, tne tiger had matters all his own way ! and almost in tbe time it takes me to tell you the fact, he nad torn open the throat of the giant beast, and was drinking his fill of the warm gushing blood.— This sight sickened me, and I clung to the tree j wilh closed eyes and a dizzy brain. "When I looked again, the terror of jungle was making his retreat, licking his chops with glutted satisfaction. T iooked down at the el ephant, and beheld a gory carcass, still held to the tree by his tusks. He was dead, and in his ' death wa? perhaps my own salvation, though I 1 Freedom of Thon|ht and Opinion. was still afraid to descend, lest I should be as sailed by some carnivorous beast, attracted thith er by the smell of blood. "I expected nothing but that I should be compelled to remain there through the night ; but 1. bethought me to trv the virtue of my voice again, and shouted for help. To my sur prised and almost frantic jov, an answer was re turned. I repeated my call tor help, and one of my attendants made his appearance. I ex plained what had occurred, and by a signal ol bis own, he soon brought three of the other to his side, I then descended, but found myself very faint, and vvas bv two of them assisted to rny palanquin where I swooned away. "It is enough to add that I passed thro' the jungle in safety ; though if any gentleman thinks I flattered myself on being a hero before I left it, 1 beg to undeceive him. i have since experienced some remarkable adventures, but none thai have left upon my mind so vivid an impression of the terrible as the one I have just related." AN ELEPHANT EGG. The following French anecdote is transla tep for the Boston Saturday Evening Gazette. At the last lair at Tarascon there were of course assembled a troupe of gymnasts, juglers . accrofiats, and a multitude of menageries, in one ol which was an Asiatic Elephant remarkable fur the largeness of his ears. His owner call ed htin Kiouki 11. Among the accrobatic troupe was a maker of red balloons, recently so popular in England \ and America. He travelled wilh the show, j and seduced a couple ol sous from the pockets j of many a patron of it by selling him a balloon. : A countryman slopped one day belore the ; menagerie tent, and enticed by a painted rep- i resentation of the elephant, paid his money to j see him. Astonished at his size, he asked the ' balloon man as he went out. •'Does that beast oriug forth young, or lay ; Without a moment's hesitation, the mounte- j bank replied. "He lays eggs." "I thought so." • "And if you wish one, to afford you tne hap- j piness of possessing, ur.der your own roof, an ; individual of his species, for a frame I will ' guarantee that you shall carry home what no one else in the country possesses." The greenhorn did not hesitate to offer hi? money, and the acrobat presented a red bal j loon. I "Behold the egg I had the honor to promise it Lane only—and only for you, because the Jarein des Planets at Paris buys all my elephant's eggs at six francs apiece, lor the Algerine expeditions, where they use all the el ephants they can find for the war against In diana. 1 chose the lightest egg 1 could find for ! you, that you might not wait too long lor it to natch. Its mother having already sat upon it many days, it will suffice you to wrap it up in wool and lay it in a dry place, to obtain with out expense and without effort, the magnificent Asiatic product which it contains!" "Astonishingbut how in regard to suck ling him ?" "Easy enough. No consequence what quad ruped nourishes him. Lacking ,a cow, a sow, or even a goal, you can 0i mg him up yourself on turtle soup." The country man departed, charmed with his prize, and to keep if safelv as possible, wrapped it in a blue cotton handkerchief which he bad bought at the fair for his wile. But in spite ol all the care of which the egg that bore i Jvioukt 11 was the object, it was written in the Book ol Destiny that its proprietor should not see it ha'ched under his roof. Some little distance from the village where our countryman resided runs a stream. He ap proached it Ijr the purpose ot imbibing the clear water. For th- purpose ot makina a cup with his hands, he deposited the precious burden on the ground. He drank fieelv of the water then rising, turned to his elephant's egg. He looks to the right and to tne left, but no egg ! He looks above him sees the egg rising higher— higher —and carrying with it his wife's hand kerchief. He believed that the elephant was a bout to be hatched, and it was not long after the Jegg was out of sight 1 hat he returned borne crest fallen. Hi? wife asked him where the handkerchief was he had promised 'o bring her. Then lie narrated 'be entire adventure. The good woman opened her eyes and ear? and seeing her husbands grief not only at the loss ol the elephant : but of tbe handkerchief, exclaimed : "Content yoursell husband ; I'll be content with my black handkerchief, and I'm glad to know the poor baby hasn't gone off with swad dling clothes !" A LAUGHABLE STORY. The Mobiie Register is responsible for tbe fol lowing mirth provoking incident . For twenty-three years old Jake VV il lard ha? cultivated the soil of Baldwin county, and drawn tnerelrom a suppoit for self and wife.— He is childless. Not long ago, Jake left the : house in search of a missing cow. His route led hiin through an old worn out patch of day land, of about six acres in extent, in the centre of which vvas a well, 25 or 30 teet deep, that at some time probably had furnished the inmates !of a dilapidated house near by with water. In passing by this ?pot, an ill-wind lifted Jake's "tile" from his head, and maliciously wafted I il to the edge of the well, and in it turn ■ b.ed. Now Jake had always practiced the virtue of economv and he immediately sat about re ; covering the lost hat. He ran to the well, and finding it was dry at the bottom, he uncoiled the rope winch he had brought for the purjiose | of captuiing thp truant cow, and after several! attempts to catch the hat with a noose, he con cluded tc save time by going down into the well ! himself. To accomplish this, he mad* fast onp pnd of the rope to a stump hard by and was' quickly on his way down the well. It is a fact, ol which Jake was no less obvi- j ous than the reader hereof, that Ned Wells was in the dilapidated building aforesaid, and that an old blind horse, with a on his neck, who had been turned out to die, was [lazily gtazing within a short distance of the well. The devil himself or some other wicked spirit put it into Npd's cranium to have a little fun, so he quietly slipped up tojthe old horse and unbuckled the bell strap, approached with slow measured, "ting-a-ling-ting" the edge of the wpII. "G d *dang that old blind boss!" said Jake, "he's a comin this way sure, and ain' got j no more sense than to fail in here. Whoa, , Ball." But the continued approach of the "ting-a ling" said just as words that "Hall" wouldn't whoa. Besides, Jake was at the bottom resting, before trying to "shin" it up the rope. "Great Jerusalem !" said he, "the old cuss will be a top of me before I can say Jack Robison. Whoa.' G d dang you— whoa !" Just then Ned drew up to the edge of the well, and with his toot he kicked a little dirt into it. "Oh, Lord !" Vsclaimed Jake, falling upon his knees at the bottom. "I'm gone now, who. Now I lay me down to sleep—w-h-o-a Ball— T pray the Lord my soul to—tv-h-0-a now.— Oh ! Lord, have mercy on my poor soul.— j Whoa, Ball. j Ned could hold no longer, and fea-ful Jake . might suffer from his fright, be revealed him i sell. i Probablv Ned didn't make tracks with his i hells from that well. Maybe Jake wasn't up ; to thp top of it in short order, and you might i think he didn't try every night for two weeks to get a shot with his rifle at Ned. Maybe not. ' I don't know. But Ido know, if Jake finds i out who sent you this, il will be tbe last squib j you'll get. SOLILOQUY OF A LOAFEE- Let's see, where am I ? Yes, I mind now. i Was coming up street, m-t a wheelbarrow I wheelbarrow was drunk, comin t'other way ; ; the wheelbarrow fell over me, or I over the : wheelba r row, and one ot us fell into the celiar | —don't know which now—guss it must have i been me. I'm a nice man—yes, I am tight! tore ! drunk ! Well, I can't help it—'.ain't my fault—wonder whose fault 'tis ? I? it Jones fault ? No Is it my wife's fault ? No. It's whiskey's fault. Who is whiskey ? Has he a large family ? All poor, I reckon. I think I won't own jhim any more. I'il cut his ac quaintance—l've had the notion for about ten years, and I alwavs hate to do it tor fear of hur ting hi? feelings. I'll do it now—l think liquor i? injuria' me, its spoilin' my tem per. Sometimes I get mad when I'm drunk, and abuse B-ts and the brat?—it used to be Lizzie and the children—that's some time ago. I'd come home of evenings, she used to put her arms around mv neck and kiss me, and call mp dear William. When I come home now, she takes her pipa out of her mouth and hair out of her eyes, and savs somethin' like, "Bill, J ou drunken brute, shut the door after you ; we're calc enough havin' no fire, 'thout lettin' the snow blow in that way." Yes, she's Bets, and I'm Bill, now, I ain't a good Bill nuther ; won't pass a tavern wilhout goin' in and gittin' drunk. Don't know what bank-I'm on. Last Saturday night I was on the river bank drunk. I stay out pretty late ; no, sometimes I'm out I all night : fact is, I'm pretty much out all over !—out of elbows and knees, and always out-ra i geouslv dirty—-so Bets says ; but then she ? no ' judge, for she's never clean herself. I wonder i whv she doesn't wear good clothe?—may be ' she hasn't got 'em ; whose fault's that ? tain t j mine, must be whiskey's. J Sometimes I'm in, however —I'm in-toxica ted now, in somebody'-? coal cellar. There's one principle I've got, 1 won't get in debt ] I never could do it. There, one ot my coat tails is gone—got tore off", I expect, when I fell in i here ; I'll have to get a new suit soon. A fellow fold me that I'd make a good sisn ■ for a paper mill, t'other day. If he wasn't so I big I'd kick htm. I've had this shirt on for nine davs, and I'm afraid it won't come off without tearing. People oosht to respect me more thnn they do for I'm in holy order?. I ain't a dandy, though mv clothes are pret ty npar the Grecian style. I guess I tore this window shutter in my pants 'tother night when I sat down in the wax in Ben Rogg's shop, and I'll have to get them mended or mv —constitution mtght suffer : I ain't very stout as it is. As the boys say. I'm fat as a match, and healthy a? the small-pox. My best hat has bepn standing guard for a window pane that went out the other morning, |at the invitation of a brick. It's geltin' cold < down here : wonder if I ain't able to climb. I( I had a drink, 1 could think better. Let's see , f ain't got three cents, il I was in a tavern I would sponge one. Whenever a person treats and ?av?. "come fellows," I always think my name is "fellers," and I've got too good manner to refuse. Well, I must leave this, .or they'll arrest me for an attempt at burglartv. I ain't I come to that yet. Anyhow, It was the wheel barrow that did the harm, not me j L_ | fCr""Didn't you tell me you could hold tbe i plow ?" said a farmer to a green Irishman whom he had taken on trial. "Arrah ! be aisv now," said Pat, "how the j deuce can I hold it, and two horses drawing it awavfrom me! but give it to me in fthe barn, and bejabers, I'll hold it with anybody.", i [Gr~A man who had been married twice to I ladies both named Catherine, advised his friend i against taking dupli-Kates WHOLE VOL. 5. NO. l a. THE HAPPT LAND. —Some 'feller,' (we think tt was an ex-devil of a country newspaper) with a hankering after an elysium* thus sighs his soul away. "Oh, is there not a happy land A land beyond the seas— Where pot pie smokes m boundless lakes, And dumplings grow on trees ? Where gingerbread is found in stacks. And smearcasa by the ton, And when you do a job of work You get the "ready John." Where .Nature's lessons tnav be read, In every babbling brook ? Where bumble bees don't sting a chap, And inuley cows don't hook ?" To CORWIN REBUKED. —The Springfield, 111., Register, of Oct. 17, says :—"On Monday last, Mr. Tom Corwin addressed a Republican meeting at Jacksonville. When he was about closing, a note was handed to him. He opened U, and glancing at the first lines, saw it was an invitation. Byway ol affording him a pre text lor not speaking any ofttipr than he had i bargained for, he told the crowd that be had justJ~eceived an invitation, which he would read. Mr. Corwin then read the note. It i was couched in the most polite terms, and ex tended an earnest and pressing invitation to the Hon. Mr. Corwin to visit—only one mile dis i tant— the "Tomb of Hardin, who bad been wel i corned in Mexico, bv bloody hands to a hospi -1 able grave Corwin was thunderstruck. He put the rto'e down, took it op, twisted it, tiung his head, and said nothing. The multi tude, about equally divided between Democrats and Republicans, looked on 'the pittiable sight in silence. The rebuke was a crashing one. It was a complete discomfitute. Corwin at last essayed a justification of his course on the Mex ican war, failed, provoked the jeering faunas ol the crowd, left the stand, and quitted Jackson ville." j DoESTrcKS ON BIIELIARDS. —The following is . Doesticks' idea of fhe game of billiard. "1 need hardls tell you that the game of biliards consists in punching ivory balls about on a big table covered with green cloth that looks like , half an acre of meadow land with an India rubber fence around it ; that the halls are t punched with long wooden tamrodswith wax , on the end to save the wood, and leather on the s end to save the wax, and chalk put on to keep j the leather from wearing out. You take sour ; ramrod and rub some chalk on the little t end ; then you l-an ever the table . then you squint , then you li f t up your leg : then vou fiddle a . little on your left hand with your ramrod ; then { you punch your bail : if your bai! runs against . the other man's ball you've done a big thing, and you poke up a lot of buttens that are strung j on a wire. This is all there is of the game of .. billiards—l can, and mavbe vou could. i A BUNCOMBE I ENC.'E. —Lawyer—"Now Mr. 1 A. . was the lence alluded to a strong ' fence ?" t Uncle Will—"Yes Sir." i Lawyer—" Well, what sort of a fence was ? it?" : i Uncle Will (holding in) —"It was a Bun -1 combe fence. Sir." t Lawyer, (thinking he had cornered the old ' gent,)—" Now Squire, will you oblige the t Court bv giving your definition of a Buncombe • fence Uncle Will—"A Buncombe fence, Sir, is a t fence that is bull strong, horse high and pig r tight." Uncle Will was dismissed from the stand and i retired with flying colors. TIF = ""Gocd evening. Miss Brown, very ' pleasint." "Very." "Looks very much like a storm." ' "Very." 1 "Are you well this evening ?" * U "Very." "Your father's sick.' "Very." "Your mother looks smart." 1 "Very." " "Pon mv honor," muttered Pluggins to him ' sell, as he left the above lady, "she's the verier Miss 1 ever saw." printer's appientice says that at the office they charge him with all the pi they do find, and at the house they charge him with ' ail they don't find. He does not understand that kind of logic. T?* An awkward man. attempting to carve a goose, dropped it on the floor. "There, now exclaimed his wife, "we've lost our dinner." "Oh, no, my dear," answered he, "it's safe— I've got my foot upon it. Vat's de malter, vat's de matter V ex . claimed an old Dutch friend of ours as he tuck ed up his apron and ran out his shop to know the meaning of a crowd in his neighborhood. "There is a man killed,', replied a bystander. 1 "Oh, ish dat all ?" said our friend evidently disappointed, "Uh dat. all' Shoost a man kilt \ ! I dought it wush a fight." little fellow four years old, the other ! day nonplussej his mother by making the fol j lowing inquiry : "Mother, if a man is a Mister, ain't a woman a Mistery V' man who put up a stovepipe with out any prolanity has been found, and a coro > ; pany have secured him for exhibition in the I pr-ncipal cities. He will draw better than the 1 pip?-

Other pages from this issue: