Newspaper of Bedford Gazette, March 1, 1861, Page 1

Newspaper of Bedford Gazette dated March 1, 1861 Page 1
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VOLUHE 37. NEW SERIES. THE BEDFORD GAZETTE is PUBLISHER EVERY FRIDAY MORNING BY sb. F. iWEYEttS, At the following terms, to w. $1.50 per annum, CASH, in advar.ee. $2.00 " " li paid within the year. $2.10 " " if not paid within the year. g/"Xn subscription taken for less than six months. IT7 = "No paper discontinued until all arrearages are patd, unless at the option of the publisher, it has jleea decided by the United States ,be stoppage of a newspaper without tne payment ot ar rearages, is prima fact* evidence ot lraud and is a luminal offence. Ej-Ths courts have decided that persons are ac countable for the subscription price of newspapers, it Chy take them from the post office,whether 'hey for them, or not. HERE AND TREKE™"" Nelly, my neighbor—Nelly, my pet! What are you thinking of Neil t Isn't it fair to ask, my iass 7 Wouldn't it do to tell 7 taxing out into the far, far west, VVhat do you watch to see 7 Over the Kentish cliff's white crest, iNought but the seabiid seeking her nest, * but the wave in a bright unrest lb out in the west for me. "Willie, the handsome never do well, What is the matter with Will 7 Isn't it fair to ask, my lad 7 Woutdn' it do to teli 7 Oat in Australia working away, Wonders never will end ! Tou ! the idlest dog o* your day, And dandy lounger, i this -rray "Pustian jacket anJ 1 n gray To what does this changed life tend 7 Nelly is waking before the dawn, And a name that is not her own ' is first in sprayer and first in her heart, As she kneels to the Heavenly Tnrone. And Willie—his long day's labor done— Pits on the side of the bill, , And his thoughts go down with the setting sun And the prize of his stiuggle is nearly won. On that evening catm and still. Looking at Nell, and thinking of Will, What is the governing spell 7 1-r't it fair to ask, my friends 7 Wouldn't it do to tell 7 7> ill was a triflet—hope for the best, Nelly was poor—we'll see ! The bird has come back to her rocky nes', 'TL only noon—but the. wave is at rest, Who knows what else may come out of the West! Nelif|r-'---ue Nell ! for thee 7 THE RESTORED- A THRILLING REVOLUTIONARY TALE. God is everywhere. His words are on our hparts. He is on the batttle field or in the peaceful home. Praise be to His hoiy name. It was on the wilds of Wissahicon, on the dzy ot battle, as the noon day sun came through the thickly clustered leaves that two men met in deadly conflict nehr the reefs which rose like the rock ot some primeval world, at least one thousand teet above the dark waters of the Wis sahicon. The man with the.dark, brown face, and dar ker grey eye, flashing with deadly light, and a muscular lorm clad in the blue frock ot the revolution, is a continental named Warren. Tnecther man, with long black hair droop ing along his cadaverous lace, is ciad in hail military custom of a tory refugee. This is a murderer of Paoli, named Dehaney. They met by accident and now they fought, not with sword and rifle, but with long and dead'v hunting knives they struggled; twining and twisting on the gren sward. At last the torv is down, down on the turf, with the kne of the continental upon his breast the upraised knife flashed death in his face. "Quarters! I yield," gasped the tory, as the k iee was pressed, upon his breast, "Spare ine, I yield." "My brother," said the patriot soidier in that <one of a deadly hate, "My brother cried fur quarters on the night of Paoli, and even as he clung to your knees you struck that knife into tis h°art. 0,1 will give you the quarters ol Paoli.'' Ano as his hand was raised for the blow and tits seeth were clenched with {deadly hate, he paused for a moment, then pinioning the tory's arms and with a rapid stride dragged him to the verge of the rocks, and held him quivering over .he abyss. "Mercy !" gasped the tory, turning ashy pale by turns, as that awful gulf yawned below. "Mercy ! I have a wife and a child at home, spare me." rhe continental with his muscular strength gathered for the eflurt, shook the murderer once more over the abyss, and then hissed this bitter sneer in his face. "My brother had a wife and two children. The morning after the night of Paoli that wile was a widow, those children were orphans. Would you not tike to go and beg your life ol widow and her orphans !" The proposal made by the continental in mockery and bitter hate, was taken in serious uest by the terror-stricken tory. He begged ' oe taken to the widow and her children, and '• e th? privilege of begging his tile. At- ;• moment's curious thought, the patriot sol r ~®nted. He bound the tory's arm still , piaced him on the rocks again, and led ...i to the woods. A quiet cottage, embossed among trees, broke on their eyes. They en tered the cottage. There, beside the desolate fiearth-sruoe, sat the widowiand children. She sat mere, a matronly woman of ebout 23 vears, With a face laded by care, a deep dark > .-v. ar.u lone black hair hanging in a dishevel-! Ed j.au- about her shoulders. On one side was a dark-haired boy of some six years, on the o- i • her oide a girl one year younger, with light j'je eyes. The bible—an old and venerablu I volume—lay open upon the mother's knee..— ! And now the pale laced tory flung himself up on his knees and confessed he had butchered her i husband on the night of Paoli, anJ begged his j life at her hands. | "Spare ine for the sake ol my wife—child" j He had expected this pitilul moan would ; touch the widow's heart, but not one relenting gleam softened her face. •'The Lord shall judge between us," she said iin a cold icy tone that froze the murderers I heart. "Look, the Bible is in ray lap ; I will close the volume, and this boy shall open it, and place his Angers at random upon a line and | by that you shall live or die." j This was a strange proposal, made in good i faith of a wild and dark superstition of olden • times. For a moment the tory, pale as ashes, . was wrapped in deep thought—then in a taint ing voice he signified his consent. Raising her dark "yes to heaven, the mother i prayed to the Great Father to direct the finder !of her son. She closed the book—she handed ! it to that boy whose cheek reddened with loath ing as he gazed upon his latiier'3 murderer.— He took the Bible opened its holy pages at ran ; dum, and placed his finger upon a verse. I There was a silence. The continental ol i dier, who had a sword to avenge his brother's j death, stood with dilating eyes and parted tips. , Tne culprit kneeling upon the tioor, with his : face like discolored clay, felt his fhevrt leap to ; his throat. j Then in a clear, bold voice, the widow read : this line from the Old Testament. It was short, fyet terrible : i "Thai man shall (lie !' j Look ! the brother springs forward to plunge a knife in the murderer's heart; but the tory, j pinioned as he is, clings to the widow's knees. I He b j gs '.hat one mure trial may be made by \ the little girl, that child of five years oid, .vitn ■ goiden hair and iaughiog eyes, j The widow consents. There is an awful pause. With a smile in her eye, without j knowing what she was doing, the little girl ; opens the Bible as it lay on.her mother's knee ; > i she turned her face away and placed her finger ! j upon a line. The awful silence grows deeper. The deep J drawn breaths of the brother, and broken gasp jot the murderer, alone disturb the stillness ; the I widow and dark haired boy were breathless. < The little girl as she caught a feeling of awe from those about her, stood breathless, her face turned aside, and her tiny fingers resting on the lines of lilt and death. At length gathering courage, the widow , bent her eye upon the page ]and read, it was j a line from the New Testament : ! "Love your enemies." Oh, book of terrible majesty and childlike love—jof.NUblinury that crushes the heart \A-ith rapture, you never shone more strongly than there in that lonely cot of the Wissahicon when you saved the muiderer's heart. Now look how wonder tut are the ways of heavn. That very night as the widow sal |by her fireside— sat there with a crushed heart ! and hot-eyelids, thinking of her husband who | now lay mouldering in the drenched soil of i Paoli—there'was a tap at the door- She | opened it, and that husband living, though ; covered with wounds was in her arms. | He had fallen at Paoii, but not in death ;he | was alive, and his wife lay panting on his bo som/ That night there was a prayer in the wood I embowered cottage of Wissahicon. IS TP I Til STItOXGE H I'll A X FICTION j A Yankee pedler, who had stopped in aj cof ! fee house to refresh himself one hot day, says I the Yankee Blade, heard a very strange old gen : tleman remark, in answer to a friend who had j been relating some marvelous story said to be j true, "truly, truth is stronger than fiction. So i Jonathan, stepping up and slapping the aston j ished gent on the back said : "You're mistaken right thar, old 'hoss, 'taint J so, and to prove it I'll wager you juleps lor the ciowd that I can tell one fiction that'll just go ahead ot any truth that you heard tell on." "Good," said the old gentleman, "I'd like to hear any fiction that can go ahead ot Christo pher Columbus." "Pshaw ! Christopher Columbus ain't a cir cumstance," said Jonathan ; but here goes : "Onst I was standing by a big river, out in Sa hary desert that was dried up. The shone sun so all-fired hot, that I was obliged to tie my hand kerchief over my eyes to keep them from bein' blinded ; and as I was standin' thar I happened j to look down the..iver and seed a big boa*, with ! out any bottom come floatin' op stream, with a hull lot ot fellers on her ; one ot 'em had no ' eyes, tother no arms, another no legs, and the j last chap in the slarn of the boat had had no mouth ! Gosh ! I never seed such a sight be fore ; I was scared like blazes,- and jest stood I iookin' at 'em. Presently the chap as had no | eyes looked down and see a ten cent piece at [ the bottom of the river and the feller who had no arms beet over and picked it up, then han ded it to the ctiap who had no legs, and he jumped out of the boat and waded to shore, went to a grog shop that wasn't .there, bot a pint ol whiskey and handed it to the fetter who had no mouth and he drank it up ; and all the rest got drunk, and the last I seed of 'em the ftller what had no mouth was singing Hall Co lumbia; while the chap what had no legs was dancin ; the no-eyed sliap was readin' a text on the psalm book, and the feller what had no arms was clapping his hands and waving his hat like blazes, and I left just about that time!" "Juleps for the crowd, and charge to me V' roared the old gentleman, as he bolted out of the back door ! Alexander Hamilton Stephens was born on the 11th ol February, 1812, and was conse quently 49 years of age on the day he took the oath as first Vice Piesident ot the Confederate States of America. BEDFORD, PA, FRIDAY MORNING, MARCH 1,1861. NEW YORKERS ELEVEN YEARS CAP TIVE AMONG THE SNAKE INDIANS. On Saturday morning the Western train brought to this city a man and woman who re lated a story that, it true (and there is no rea son to doubt it,) has few equajs even in Fiance. The persons were husband and wife, their name Kimball, and they formerly resided in the neighborhood of Syracuse, N. Y. Their story was substantial ly as follows : In 184-8, in company with a party of sixty three, the Kimballs started for California by the overland route. In the party was their father, and old man, and three sisters. They passed on westward in the usual manner with out accident until the 17th cfav of July. |They were then on the plains, tar from anv settle ment, and as they were pursuing their way were suddenly surprised by a large party of Indians. The little party was immediately pui in as good condition for defense as the time would permit—the females being placed in the center. Down came the Indians like a whirl wind, but they met a resistance as obstinate as | desperation could produce. The white men , fought for their wives, and fought nobly—so I well, indeed, that when tiie contest was ended, ; thete were of the party ot sixty-three but thir teen left, including men and women. The In- j ; dians took what plunder they wantpd, tied the j prisoners in pairs, and continued their ram bling expedition. The next day they halted j and prepared to dispose of their prisoners. The old man Kimball was made to "run tiip gauntlet" for his life. He was 100 feeble' for escape, and, wounded and completely ex- ! hausted, was tied to a stake and burned. The younger Kimball was then brought to the des- j perate trial. He was strong and active, and ; successfully underwent the ordeal. The In-' dians pleased with his prowess, allowed him j to make a second trial for the iife of anv fe- j male he might choose. The poor man was al- j most in despair ; his wife and three sisters were j sitting on 'he ground, and he was called upon j to choose the one he would save, with the cer- j tainty that death by torture would be the fate of the others. He chose his wife and saved her. The Indians murdered his sisters in his presence. It was a poor privilege he had so dearly bought. They were obliged to perform; menial duties for their captors, and the woman ! was often treated with brutality. Following! he Indians from place to place without an op- j portunity to escape, they lived till 1859, when j their party met a United States surveying com- i pany. Kimball toll his story to the whites,l and one of them an old resident in the coun- ; try, ollered his aid in affecting their escape.— The offer was gladly accepted, and the attempt,. after many months of intense suffering, vvaj' successful- , Kimball and his wife reached this city on Saturday without money. The railroad au thorities had passed them thus lar on their journey. Depot otlicer Clark Warren took them HI charge, cared for them during the day, j and the officers of the C. &. E. Rd. passed them over the road on the afernoon train. A large number visited them in the fitting room at the i depot, and listened to their story. .Mrs. Kim ball exhibited a mark on her forehead, made by a blow from an Indian war club. One of her ; arms *vas broken in the same manner. Her j feet was so calloused, anil the soles were as as hard as the sole of a shoe. There were various other indications that their story was strictly true, and none who heard them doubted it. They have "friends in New York who have doubtless loog supposed them dead. DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE Some of our exchanges are comparing notes on file eliquefte of different localities in the em ployment ot girls to do the work of the house hold. The rules that govern this important branch of service vary somewhat in different degrees of longitude. The .Milwaukee Senti-' nel says : "When a girl is hired in Milwaukee, one of the conditions is that she can have all the lovers she wants ; that they can have the eating and drinking of the kitchen ad libitum ; that she can go to balls three nights in a week, and have kitchen receptions the other nights; and that she shall have unrestricted access to all the bureaus and trunks in the house, with- J out being subjected to the vulgar suspicion of j being considered a thief." The Buffalo Commercial says : "In Buffalo, ! the night key and key to the wine cellar are \ understood to be often points of dispute between \ the ladv and her help, and one domestic actu-1 ally resigned because plates spoon were in use j in the kitchen." Here, in Rochester, it is a coudition of em ployment that the mistress of the house shall I Oe up early, and ready to attend to the calls of | the milkman, the bather, and the baker, as the < girl cannot be suitably dressed to appear at the I door in the presence of these important pur- ; veyors to the larder. A FASHIONABLE CALL, AND ALL THEY SAID. ' "How do you do, my dear ?" "Putty well, thank you." [They kiss.] j "How have you been this age 1" "Very well, thank you." "Pleasant to-day." "Yes, very bright—but we had a shower yesterday." "Are ail your people well ?" "Quite well, thank you ; how are yours 1" j "Very well, I am obliged to you." "Have you seen Alary B lately ?" "No, but I've seen Susan G." "You don't say so. Is she well ?" "Very well, I believe." [Rising.] "Do call again soon." "Thank you—l should be [pleased to come, but you don't call on me once in an age." "Oh, you should not say that, I am sure I

am very good." "Good day." "Must you go !" • Yes, indeed; I have seven calls to make. "Good day." Freedom of Thought and Opinion. j Who SAW THE STEER —The richest thing iol the season, it we except some of the follies |of secession, says the Newburyport Herald, , came off" the other day in the (neighborhood ol the market. The greenest Jonathan imagina j ble, deeded out in a slouched hat, a long nlue f rock, and a pair ot big asgondo ! las, with a huge whip under his arm, stalked ! into a oiHiard saloon, where half a dozen per j sans were improving the time in trundling rountf the ivories,—and after recovering from j hi&ftrst surprise as to him the t singular aspect of the room, inquired it "any of 'em had seen a stray steer," affirming that "the blackest crit . ter got away as he came through town with I his drove t'other day, and hadn't seen not'in' i him since." The bloods denied all knowl edge of the animal in question, and with much ; sly Thinking at each otner, proceeded to con \ dote with him on his loss in the most heartfelt manner. He watched the game with much in- terest, as he had evidently never seen nor heard of anything of the kind belore, and ! created much amusement by his demonstration of applause when a good shot made—"Jerusa lem !" being a favorite interjection. At last he made bold to leauest the privilege ol trying hjs skill, when he set the crowd in a roar by ; hislwkward movement. However he gradual ly got his hand in, and played as well as could be expected for a greenhorn. All hands now began to praise him, which so elated him that ; he actually began to think himself a second Phelon, and he offered to bet a dollar with his opponent, which of course he lost. The loss i and the laugh so irritated him that he offered to play anotner game aod bet two dollars, wQich he pulled out of a big roll, for it seems hie' cattle had sold well, and he was quite flush. This bet he also lost, as the fool might have known he would, when mad as a March hare, he pulled out a tilty spot, the largest bill he ; had, and offered to bet that on another game. , The crowd mustered around and raised tntiney | enough to cover it, and at it they went again, when, bv some strange turn ot lurk, greeny won. He now offered to put up the hundred he had won against another hundred. Of Ourse he could not blunder into another game, they could now win back what tbey lost, : and fleece tne fellow of his own roll besides. 1 1 hey sent out for a lamqos player, happened | to have money enough to bet with, and another game was played, which Jonathan also won. Another hundred was also raised, and bel, and won ; and it was not until he had blundered | through half a dozen games, and by name un accountable run of luck won them all. draining the pockets of his opponents of about four hun , dreij dollars,that they began to smelt a very i iaigl "mice." kVht everybody got tired of gawky pofted his frock on over his his whip UHder his arm, and walked quietly out, turning rouod at the door and re marking, "Gentlemen, il yon should happen to see anything of that steer, I wish you'd just : let me know." At last accounts they had not ! seen the steer , but they come to the conclusion I that they had seen the elephant. COULDN'T SPELL CAT. Dr M —, an army surgeon during the • American war, was my fond of a joke, (if not perpetrated at his expense,) and had moreover a great contempt for citizen soldiers, who Were more renowned for their courage than their scholarship. One day, after mess, the decanter had perfor med sundry preambulalions of the table, Cap taiu S , a brave and accomplished officer, . and a very great wag, remarked to the Doctor, : who had been somewhat severe in his remarks j on the literary deficiencies of some of the new ' officers said, "Dr. M , are you acquainted with Captain G ?" "Ves, I know him well," replied the doc tor, "he is one of the new set. But what of ! him 1" "Nothing in particular," replied Capt, S., "1 iiavejust received from him a letter, and I'll wager you a dozen of old port that you cannot ; guess in six guesses how he spells CAT." j "Done, it's a wager," said the doctor. "Well, commeiic? guessing," said S. "K-a double t" "No." <l Kate." j "No." i "Catte." j "No." ! "Catt." | "No." i "Katt." "No, that's not the way, try again—it's the i last guess." ! "Caught." "No," said S., you ate wrong again and you J have lost your wager." "Well," said the doctor, with much petu j lance of manner, "how the deuce uoes he spell I it V, "Why, he spells it C-A-T," replied he, with 1 the utmost gravity. ! Amidst the roar of the mess,and almost chc^j king with rage, the doctor immediately jumped j to his feet, exclaiming : "Captain S., I am too old a man to be trifled tvith in this manner." TAKE BACK THE BEAKD. —A Highlander, who : sold brocms, weut into a barber shop in Glas | gow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of j his brooms, and after having shaved him asked the price of i. "Tippence," said the Highlan der. "No, no," said the shaver ; "I'll give you a penuy, and if that doe 9 not satisfy you, j take your broon again," The Highlander took j it, and asked what he had to pay. A penny," said strap. "I'll gie ye a banbeo," said Dun can ; "and if that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again." !CF"The arm of a pretty girl, wound tight a round your neck, has been discovered to be an ; infallible remedy in case dt sore throat. It v beats pepper tea all hollow. i f TAKING HE ROPE.— "Bones, why didn't you come and see me the other day, when I sent for you I" "Why, I didr/t know dat you sent for me Julius." "Why, I sent you a note to call and see me." "Where was you stopping, Julius at de House, or round town on the punches V I "No, Bones, I was stopping in jail." "You warn't dar was you, Julius 1" ♦•Yes, Bones, I am soirj- to say I was." ♦'What did you get put in dar for. Julius." "Oh, a mere trifle, bones." "Oh, you stold a trifle, eh ?" "No, no—l said a mere trifle.'* "Oh, yes I What did you do, Julius ?" "Why, f borrowed some money from a man that's all Bones." "f golly, Julius do they put you in jail for borrow-to' money, now 1" "Yes, Bones." "Oh, I am scared ! den I'll get in for life Ju lius." "No, I'll fell you how it was, Bones. You see I had to knock the man down three or four times before he would lend it to me." "Oh, yes, I see. VVhat was de number of your room ?" "Number seven. Bones." "Did you hear a noise in number eight !" "I think 1 did." "Dat w as me." ♦*Ha ha, then you were in, too." "\es t was in dar, Julius." "VVhat was you in dar for, Bones 1" "1 done notin, too." "But you must have done something or you would not have got in." "Well, I just took a little piece ob rope, a | bout a foot long." "A piece of rope a loot long V* "Yes." "Well, what was there on the end ol it ? "Why, dar was a little knot on de end ob it, Julius." * L* "Y'es, but what was there-tin the other end, Bones 7" "O yes. Why dar was ai grate big Gray* Horse on de oder end Julius." "Ah, then & it was for taking the horse.— Bones, and not the rope, that you were put in jail." "Oh, no, I didn't cake the how, . Julius : I took de rope, at.d de hoss came right along wid de rope." CF"A good story is told of a Washington County man, who On his way to Cincinnati be come somewhat elevated b? sundry "drinks" but as good*l uck would have it, found a boat at the wharf and was quickly on his way. Soon after leaving the w-h+rt, a man came round for his fare." HornrtMwnded out a five | (ioilar bill, and received four dollars and nine ty five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book with great eagerness, t suppo sing the clerk had made a mistake. That done he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep.— A little while and he wa9 plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare. "Discovered the mistake," though he, hold-ng out a handful ot change. The man, as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went in to a doze. Ere he hac got fairly to dreaming of home and friends !*• away, around'came the collector again, and '. it , >t went on for a long time. At la'.i Horrall though* it very inconvenient and conclu. Ed to vote the collector a nuisance, and give hii. a bit of advice besides : so, said he : "Is (hie) fhais a da-n-ger (hie) cus bo (hie) beat 1" V "By no means," said the man. "Bran new." Then, by gummy, (hie) why do (hie) don" you collect ali the 're a' once—not bother a fe! (hie) helles for k every mile as it (hie) comes due ?" "Cincin (hie) hinna'i," said Horrall. "Cincinnati, ' said the polite conductor ; ♦'why, you must out ot your reckining. This is the ferry-boat, 'and all this altermwn ynu have been riding to and fro between New Albany and Portland. That night Horrall staid in Louisville. BEAUTIPUL ANSWERS.—A pupil of the Abbe Sicoid gave the following extraordinary ans wers : "What is gratitude ?" "Giatitude is the memory of tne heart" "VVhat is hope ?" "Hope is the blossom ofhappiness." ♦-VVhat is the differhnce belweek hope and i desire 1" "Desire is a tree|in leaf, hope is a tree in flower, and enjoyment is a tree in fruit. "VVhat is eternity 7" "A day without yesterday or to-morrow, a line that has no end." "What is time V' "A line that has two ends, a path which be gins in the cradle and ends in the grave." "VVhat is God V' "The necessary being, the sun of eternity, the machinist of nature, the eye of justice, the watch maker of the Universe", the soul of the world." "Does God reason ?" "Man reasc-i- because he doubts ; he deliber ates, he decide.-. God is omniscient ; He never doubts, He therefore never reasons." A SHOCKING BAD MEMORY.— "Mary r.y love do you remember the text this jmorning ? ♦'No, papa, I never can remember the text, I've such a bad memory." "Mary," said her mother, "did you notice i Susan Brown V' "Oh, yes! VVhat a fright! She had on her last year's bonnet done up, a p-a green silk, a black lace mantilla, brown gaiters, an imitation Honiton collar, a lava bracelet, her old ear i drops and such a fan ! Forlorn !" WHOLE NUMBER BRILLIANT WDM/V.—. "She's too brilliant to* me," exclaimed a friend, whom we introduced to a very attractive young lady. '•Too brilliant ?" we echoed, inquiringly. "Y p s, the woman that shmea so much can be fit for little else in this world of dull utili ly-'\ Was he right ? Do men, as a general rule, lear, ;:i well as admire, brilliant women f Are th y content to bask in their brightness, hit not wish to possess 'them 1 If so, lad*?, there is in this truth deep matter for your serious consideration. A woman rnav be intellectual enough to sparkle like a diamond. But, alter all' not withsianding diamonds are pietty things to wear in public, tin y are of little use 'in the house ! They may create envy in the breast of a neigh bor, but will they awaken an) hones', love in one worthy heart 1 They may be effulgent in the ball-room, but will they light up with sm es the domestic circle? Can vou put'a diamond to any of the common, but necessary uses of the household ? Will you not have to exchange it lor vulgar six-pences and cents before you can make it avar.'able in buying bread. WHAT HE WOULD DO. — The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time, and send it back "refused" and unpaid lor, would swal low a blind dog's dinner, and then stone the dog Ipr being bliud.— Exchange. He would do worse thao that. He would marry a girl on trial and send her back lo her lather at the end ol the honey-moon with the words—"don't suit" chalked on her back. /- ron City. He would do worse than that. He would steal the chalk to write it with, after which he would use it on his shirt to save the expense ot washing, and then sue his wile's father lor her month's boarding.— Advertiser. Worse yet. He'd cbase a sick rat ten miles over a corduroy road, and institute a post mor tem examination aftvr be caught him, in order to recover a stolen grain of corn. Os"A0 s "A Georgia negro was riding a mule aloDg and came to a bridge, when the mule stopped. "I'll bet a quarter," said Jack, "I'll make you go ober tnis bridge," and with that struck the mule over the ears, which made him nod his head suddenly. "You take the bet, den, said the negro, and he contrived the mule to get stubborn over the bridge. "1 won dat quarter, anybow, taid Jack. "But bow'll you get your money ?" said a man who had been clove by, unperc*ived. "To-morrow" said Jack, "matra gib me a dollar to get corn for de mule, and I'll take de quarter out." 35 s "A young lad in one of the districts of this State, had progressed with |his "eddyka tion," under the guidance of a Yankee school master, as tar words oi five letters. While under drill, one day he came to the word pipe." "What does that spe V' said the dominie. "Couldn't tell." "Try it again." "P-i-p-e." Still he couldn't pronounce it. "What do peoplejsmoke f" Mid Ihe master. The boy made no answer, 'ut, with a brightened countenance comments ' once more. "P-i-p-e—cigar!" (EF-"Say, Bob, did you ever go the geld minea ?" "Why, to be sure I did. What makes von ax ?" "What did you dig." "O, well, as to that, I dug out mysell as soon as directly." 05 s *A Connecticut erhoolmaster asked a lad from Newport, "how many Gods are there ?" The boy, after scratching his bead some time, replied, "i don't know how maoy you have in Connecticut, but we have none* in Rhode Is'and." [CP*A so'dier who was once woonded in a battle, set up a terrible bellowing. An Irish man, who laid near, with both legs shot off, im mediately sung out—"Bad luck to the likes of ye—do you ye think that nobody is kilt but yourseji V* LOOKS WELL.— To see young men go to Church every Sabbath evening, give their undi vided attention to the remarks of the preacher, remain in Church until dismissed, aod then go right home without stopping at the door. "If there is any body uuder the canister of heaven that I have in utter excresence," said Mrs. Partington, "it is the slanderer, going a bout like a boa constrictor, circulating his cal omel among honest folks." OCP"A wag said ;"I love mv wife at first.— For the first two months I felt as if I could eat her up ; ever since I have been sorry I didn't. MR. LINCOLN'S BIRTHDAY.— The President elect was born on the 12th ot February, 1809, and is therefore filtv-two years of age, and io the vigorous maturity of life. tailor being reproached by a silly fel low as only the ninth part, of a man, retorted by saying : Still, I am better of! than you ; lor a fool is no part of man at all." jtersons can be evervwhpre at home ; others can sit musingly at home; other* can sit musingly at home and be everywhere. dP I "An Irihmun says-he is "alther going out to Caiiforr.y in the next vessel. He has re ceived an anopymous letter, signed by Haifa dozen ol bis countrymen there, requesting him to come out to the land of yellow boys." (IP" The most direct method of determining horse power—Stand behind and tickle his bind I legs with a briar. VOL 4. NO. 29.