Newspaper of The Democratic Advocate, March 29, 1873, Page 1

Newspaper of The Democratic Advocate dated March 29, 1873 Page 1
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$2 PER ANNUM. Select ; - ■■ —— * Return of Spring. The voice of spring is whispering Cheerful songs unto the moor ; * Little warblers’pipes ere singing I Songs they oft have sung before, < Nature, darling mother nature, ] Holds aloA her shining warn!; Strewing Nora’s path with flowers, Beautifying all the land. i A Yellow, golden, tropic sun, I Melting winter's ice and snow, y The same old work it oft’ has done, Changing gloom into a glow. Zephyrs here and there are sighing, 1 Sighing for the golden lore, 1 Frosty winter left when dying, For the sephyr’s earthly store. 1 And sephyrs fan the babbling brook , Into a joyous rippling; And music from each tiny nook, 1 Blend with the murmuring fountain. The same old sang of spring That greets us on our waking— • Whinnering to the “wee sma hours," . Of lovely spring's returning. 1 I Soon we’ll roam with joy unbounded i O’er the emerald meadow’s bloom } , Drink the nectar from its blossoms, . And inhale its iweet perfume. Let our sorrows go with winter, And our hearts cling unto spring; I.ike the uectar from its blossoms, Joy unto our hearts ’twill bring. ■■■■■" | (Out (Olio. From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch. \ MORTUARY MADRIGALS. I BY MAX AHKLBU. J. Alfred Brimmer, Knq., editor and proprietor of Thr Morning Glory, having , observed the disposition of persons who have been bereaved of their relatives to , give expression to their feelings in a poetical form, reflected that it might per haps be a good thing to introduce to his paper a department of obituary poetry. He considered whether if, when an indi vidual inserted fifty cents’ worth of death notice, the establishment should contribute gratuitously half-a-dollar’s worth of mor tality stantos, hit paper would not at once become the most popular vehicle for the conveyance of that peculiar form of melan choly intelligence to the public. And Mr. Brimmer rightly estimated that, as most newspaper readers seem to lake a deeper interest in such sepulcharai news than information of any other kind, the journal containing the largest supply would have the greatest number of subscribers. So Mr. Brimmer determined that he would, as an experiment at nny rate, en gage an obituary poet for a short time, with the purpose to give him permanent employment if the plan seemed to take wi.h ihj public. Accordingly he sent for Mr. Hemington Ott. a constructor of verses, who had frequently contributed to the culu.uas of The Mtruing Glory poems of what would have been considered by a fastidious student of English literature an appalling and revolutionary character. Mr. Brimmer soon effected an arrange ment with the bard, by which it was agreed that Mr. Utt should take a position in the office for a short time, and whenever a death-notice arrived he should immediately endeavor to grind out some verses expres sive of the situation. “You understand, Mr. Ott.” explained Brimmer, “when the death of an individu al is announced, 1 want you. as it were, to cheer the afflicted family with the resources of your uohlc art. I wish you to throw yourself, you may say, into their situ..tLn and to give them a verse or two about the corpse which will seem to bo the expression of the emotion of the hearts of the living." “To lighten the gloom in a certain sense, 1 suppose?" said Mr. Ott. “Precisely ! Lighten the gloom. Do not mourn over the departed ; but rather take a joyous view of death, which, after all, Mr. Ott, Is, as it were, but the entrance to a better life. Therefore, 1 would advise you to touch the heartstrings of the afflict ed with a tender hand, and endeavor, for instance, to divert their minds from con templation of the horrors of the tomb." “Refrain from despondency, I suppose, and lilt their thoughts to—" “Just so! And at the same time combine elevating sentiment with such practical information as you can obtain from the advertisement. Throw a glamour of poesy f r instance, over the commonplace details of the every-day life of the deceased. Peo ple arc fond of minute descriptions. Some facts useful for this purpose may be ob tained from the man who brings the no tice to the office ; others you may readily supply from your imagination." “I’ll throw off staiisas," said Mr. Ott, ~“in such a manner that people will want their frie.ids to die for the sake of the poetry” “But above all," continued the editor, “take a bright view of the matter always. Make the sunshine of smiles, us it were, Umrst through the tempest of tears; and if we don’t make The Morning Glory , hum around among the mourners of this town, my name is not Brimmer." He was right. It did hum. The next day Hemington Ott went on duty, aud Brimmer ran down to the sea shore for a breath of fresh air. All through the day death-notices came pour ing in. and when one would reach Ott, he would seixe it and study it up to ascertain the particulars. Then he would rush up stairs, lock himself in his room, take down his rhyming dictionary, run his ting rs through his nair, aud hack away for half an hour at a piece of paper until he con sidered that he had that poetry in a shape which would make the stricken family feel proud of the corpse. When his day a work was done, Ott went home with a con viction that The Morning Glory , hud finally robbed Death of its terrors, aud made life comparatively valueless. In the morning Mr. Ott proceeded calm ly to the office for the purpose of embalm ing iu sympathetic verse the memories of other departed ones. As he came near to the establishment he observed a crowd of five or six thousand people in front of it, struggling to get into the door. Climbing a tree, he overlooked the crowd, and could see within the office the clerks selling pa pers as fast as they could handle them, while the mob pushed and jammed and yelled in frantic efforts to obtain copies— the presses in the cellar meanwhile clang ing away like mad. Upon the curl stone In front of him there was a line of men stretching down the street for four snuaros, •eadi man engaged in reading The Morning (Story with an earnestness that Mr. Ott, had waver before seen displayed by the patroas of that sheet. The bard concluded either that his poetry had touched a sym pathetic chord In the popular heart or that an appalling disaster hod occurred In some quarter of the globe. He went around to the back of the office *ml asceaded to the editorial rooms. As he approached the sanctum load voltes were heard within. Mr. Ott determined to ascertain the cause before entering. He obtained a chair, aod, placing H by £!je pmocratic the side of the door, he mounted and peeped t over the door through the tmnsom. There - sat J. Alfred Brimmer holding The Morn- , ing Glory in both hands, while the fringe which grew in semi-circle around the edge 1 of his bald bead stood straight out, until he seemed to resemble a gigantic gun- f swab. Two or three persons stood in front 1 of him in threatening attitudes Ott heard one of them say : “My name is McUtue, sir!—William ' McUlue ! lam a brother of the late Alex- 1 under McGluc. I picked up your paper 1 this morning, and perceived in it an out- ' rageous insu't to my deceased relative, and 1 have come around to demand sir, what ' DO Yot; mean by the following infamous 1 language ? "The death *nnel rants Alexander McQlue, And gave him prulnuied reiM*e; He wore a checked shirt and a Number Nine shoe. And he had a pink wart on his note. i No doubt he is happier dwelling In apace ..yvjf there on the ever-grecn shore. His friend* arc Informed that his funeral takes place 1 Precisely at quarter-past four. “This is simply diabolical! My late brother had no wart on his nose, sir. He had upon his nose neither a pink wart nor a green wart, nor a cream colored wart, nor a wart of any other color. It is a slander ! It is a gratuitous insult to my family, and I distinctly want you to say what you mean by such conduct !’* “Really, sir” said Brimmer, “it is a mistake. This is the horrible work of an incendiary miscreant whom I trusted as a brother. He shall be punished by my own h.md for this outrage. A pink wart! Awful! sir—awful! The miserable scoun drel shall suffer for this—he shall indeed!" “How could I know, murmured Ott, out there by himself, "that the oorpse hadn't a pink wart ? I used to know a man named McGluc and he had one, and 1 thought tdl the McOlucs had. This comes of irregu larities in families." “And who," said another man, address ing the editor, “authorixed you to print this hideous stuff about my deceased son ? Do you mean to say that it was not by your authority that your low comedian inserted with my advertisement the following-soan dalour burlesque ? Listen to this; — "Willie had Empurple monkey climbing on a yellow Am! when he tucked the paint all off it made him deathly tick; * And in hllate*thoun he claaped that monkey in hla hand. And bid good bye to earth and went into a better land. "Oh! no more hell *hoot hi* alitor with hi* little wooden gun; And no more he'll twin the puray'* tail, and make her yowl for fun, The puwy'* tail now viand* out straight; the gun i* laid aside; The monkey doesn't Jump around since little Willie died.” “The utterly atrocious character of this halderhash will appear when I say that William was twenty years old, that he never had u purple monkey on a stick, that he never sucked such u thing, that he never fooled with eats, and that he died of the liver complaint." “Infamous—utterly infamous !" groaned the editor, as he cast his ayes over the lines. “And the wretch that did this still lives! It is too much !" “And yel" whispered Ott to himself, “he told me to lighten the gloom and to cheer the afflicted with the resources of tuy art; and I certainly thought that idea about the monkey would have that effect, somehow. It is ungrateful I" Just then there was a knock at the door, and u woman entered crying. “Are you the editor?" she inquired of Brimmer. Brimmer said he was. “W-w-well!" she said, in a voice broken by sobs, “wh-what d’ye mean by publish ing this kind of poetry ab laut m-my Johnny? M-my name is Sm-Smith, anil wb-vhen I looked this m-morning for the notice of Johnny’• d-dcath in y-your paper 1 saw this awful, wicked, wicked v-verse ; ** Four doctor* tackled Johnny Smith— They blistered and the/ bled him. With muIIIx and ami-bllliou* pill* And inecac they fed him. They *tfmrd him up with calomel And tried to move hi* liver; But all in vain- hi* little *oul, Wa* waited o’er the river." “It’s false! —that's what it is ! Johnny had only one doctor. And they d-didn’t try to m-m-move his liver, aud they d-didn’t hi-bleed him and h-blister him. It’s u wicked falsehood, and you're a hard hearted brute f-f-for-printing it I" “Madam I shall go craxy if you con tinue !" exclaimed Brimmer. “This is not my work. It is the work of a serpent whom I wanned in my bosom, snd whom I will slay with my own hand as soon as he comes in. Madam, the miserable outcast shall die!” "Strange ! strange 1" mused Ott. “And this man told me to combine elevating sentiment with practical information. If the information concerning the squills and ipecac, is not practical, I have misunder stood the use of that word. And if young Smith didn’t have four doctors it was an outrage. He ought to have had them, and they ought to have excited his liver. Thus it is," thought Ott, “that human life is sacrificed to carelessness." At this juncture the sheriff entered, his brow clothed with thunder. He had a copy of The Morning Glory in his hand. He approached the editor, und, pointing to n death-notice, saying: “Read that horrible mockery of my woe, and tell me the name of the writer, so that I can chastise him." The editor read a follows: Wa hare Inat our little Hanner in a very palatal manner, And we often asked. How ran her harsh sufferings be borne? W hen her death was first reported her sunt got up and snorted With the grief that she supported, for it made her feel forlorn. “Hhe was such a little seraph that her father who is sheriff. Really doesn't seem to care If he never smilee in 1 life again, - She ha* gone, we hope to Heaven, at the early age of seven. i Funeral *Urt* off at eleven.) where abe'll never more have peln." “As a consequence of this infamy, I withdraw all the county advertising from your paper. A man who could trifle in this manner with the feelings of a parent is a savage and a scoundrel!’’ As the sheriff went out, Bi immer placed his head upon the table and groaned. “Really, Mr. Ott reflected “that person must be deranged. I tried, in his case, to i put myself in his place, and to write as if [' 1 was one of the family, according to , instructions. The verses are beautiful. ; That allusion to the grief of her aunt, I particularly seemed to me to be very hap ■ py. It expresses violent emotion with a , felicitous combination of sweetness and 1 force. These people have no soul, no ap - predation of the beautiful in art." While the poet mused, burned steps ) were beared upon the stairs, and in a mo i mont a middle-aged roan dashed In abrupt , ly, and-seising Brimmer’s scattered hair, t bumped his prostrate head against the . table three or four tiroes with considerable i force. Having expended the violence of I his emotion in this manner, he held the • editor’s head down with one band, shaking r it occasionally by the way of emphasis, i and with the other hand seised the paper and said: j “Yon disgraceful old reprobate t You i unsympathetic and disgusting vampire! i Yon hoary headed old ghoul. What ayou I woau by putting such stuff as this in your . vile sheet about ray deceased son ? What f d’you mean by printing such doggerel as WESTMINSTER, MD. SATURDAY, MARCH 29, 1873. this, you depraved and dissolute iukslinger —you imbecile old quill-driver you; - '<>h 1 bury Bartholomew out in tho u-ood*. lb * bwutlrul hole In tho yround When tho bumblv-bceo bun end the woodpeckers ■ln,, And the ntrnddle-bUKi tumble Around; So Urn In wlnmr. when the mow end the eluib Here covered hi. hut little bed. Hie brother Artemue enn (pi out with Mac And vielt the piece with hlfl lied. “Ml tench you to tnlk about straddle hugs! I'll instruct you about slush I I'll enlighten your insane old intellect on the subject of singing woodpeckers! What do you know shout Jane snd Arterous.you wretched buccaneer, you deapiuablc butcher of tho English language ? On out with a sled I I'll carry you out in a hearse before I'm done with you, you deplorable old luuatie I” At the end of every phrase the visitor gave the editor's head a Iresh knock against the tabic. When the exercise was ended Mr. Brimtuer explained and apolo gixed in the humblest manner, promising at tho same time to give his assailant a chance to pummel Ott. “Tho treachery of this man," murmured the poet, “is dreadful. Didn’t he desire mo to throw a glamour of poesy over com mon-place details ? But for that I should never have thought of alluding to wood peckers and bugs, und other children of Nature. The man objects to the remarks about the sled. Can the idiot know that it was necessary to have a rhyme for “bed?" Can he suppose that I could write poetry without rhymes? The man is a lunatic I He ought nut to be at large I" Hardly had the indignant aud energetic parent of Bartholomew departed, when a man with red hair and a ferocious glare in hla eyes entered, carrying a club aud ac companied with a savage looking dog. “1 want to see the editor," he shouted. A ghastly pallor overspread Brimmer's face und he said: “The editor is not in." a “Well, when will he be in, then ?” “Sot for a week—for a month—for a year—forever! Ho will never come in any more!" screamed Brimmer. “Hehas gone to South America with the intention to remain there during the balance of his life. He has departed. He has fled. If you want to see him you must follow him to the equator. He will be glad to aee you. I would advise you, as a friend, to take the next boat—to start at once." “That is unfortunate!" said the man with the golden locks; “I called for the purpose of battering him up a lot with this club I" “He will be sorry," said Brimmer, sar castically. “He will regret missing you. I will write to him. and mention that you dropped in.” “My name is McFadden said the man. “I came to break the head of the man who wrote that obituary poetry about my wife. If you don't tell me who perpetra ted the following I'll break yours fur yon! Where's the man who wrote this? Pay attention! "Mrs. McFAddon has sons from this lire, she has left All Iw sorrows And catvs . she rAugbl tb rheumatics In bath of her legs While srrubbln the cellar And stairs. They put mustard plasters upon her in vain They bathed her with whisky end rum . But Thursday her spirit departed and left Her body entirely numb. The slave who held the late Mrt. Mc- Fadden up to the acorn of an unsympathe tic world in that shocking manner," said the editor, “is named Remington Ott Ho boards on Blank street, fourth door from the corner. I would advise you to call ou him sud avenge Mrs. McFadden s wrongs with a judicious intermixture of ciub and dog biles." “Aud this," sighed the poet, outside the dour, "is the nun who told me to divert McFadden’s mind from contemplation of the horrors of the tomb. It was this mon ster who counseled me to nuke the sunshine of McFadden’s smiles bunt through the tempest of MoFsddeus team! If that red-neuded monster couldn't smile over that allusion to whisky snd rumj if those remarks about the rheumatism in her legs could not divert his mind from the horrors of the tomb—was It my fault ? McFad den grovels! He knows no mure about poetry than a speckled mule does about the shorter Catechism." Tho poet determined to leave before any further crilieistua were made upon his per formances. He jumped down from his chair and crept softly toward the back staircase. Arriving at the landing, he suddenly encountered Brimmer, who wsa moving off in the same direction. Tho editor had hardly time enough to utter a profane ejaculation and to lift his hand to i strike the poet, when an old lady in a poke ; bonnet and ailver spectacles suddenly emerged from the stairway and pinned the i editor to the wall with the ferule of her ■ umbrella. After grinding her teeth at ; him fur a moment she floured him with i her weapon, and, seating herself upon his , prostrate form, she extracted a copy of The Minting Glory from her bag, and, i pointing to a certain slania in the obituary column, asked Ott to read it aloud. Ho i did so. It ran in this fashion : "Mule Alexander's deed; Jem him in a coffin: , Don't bAve as sued a cbAneo For a fun'rafAt often. Hush hIA body right Around To the cemetery: . Drop him in the sepulchre L With his uncle Jerry." At the end of every line the indignant conqueror punched the fallen Briiumer'a I ribs with her umbrella, and exclaimed ; i “0 you willin ! D'you hear that, you wretch ? What d’you mean by writin' of ’ my grandson in that way 7 Take that, r youaerpint! Olyou—you willinous wiper you! tryiu' to break a lone widder's heart > with sneh scand'lua lies as them! There, ■ you willin ! I kcmiucrc to hammer you r well with this here umbrel'er, you wicked willin, you owdacious wiper, you! Take ' that, and that, you wile, indecent, diagus . tin’ wagabone! When you know well 1 enough that Aleck never had no Uncle 1 Jerry, and never had no uncle in no sepul * chre anyhow, you wile wretch, you I" While she pounded the editor, the poet . groped hia way down the stairs six ntepa 1 at a time, and emerged from the front door with remarkable snddenncaa. His “ journalistic career ended upon that day, “ When Brimmer's employees dragged away Alexander's grandparent, and carried her j* struggling and screaming down to the street the editor tent for a carriage and ’’ was taken home to bed, from whence he " arose a week later with an earnest dater- J miuution never to permit another line of Obituary Poetry to cuter the columns of " The Morning Glory. a ’ * a A widow in Dorchester, Maas, has been > three times married Her first husband r, was Ilobb, the second, Bobbins, and the e third. Robbinauu. Tho same door-plate a has served for the whole three, and the ,f question now is, what extended name can e be procured to fill out the remaining apaoe 2 on it. b * r It is remarkable that every day in the week is by different nations devoted to the u public celebration of religious services. 1 Sunday by the Christiana, Monday by the u Greeks, Tuesday by the Persians, Wed ir nrsday by the Assyrians, Thursday by the it Egyptians, Friday by the Turks, Saturday a by the Jews. The Glints of Antiquity. In examining the claims of the giants of antiquity, v.e must take into considera tion that it waa the custom of all ancient nations to magnify the statur >of their kings aud heroes. To be considered a giant in strength and aixe was the ambition of 1 every warrior. Even tho great Alexander 1 was not free from this vanity, for we are 1 told that in one of his Asian expeditions, ' he caused to be made and left behind him a suit of armor of huge proportions, in order ' to induce a belief among the people lie ' was of great stature. Homer exaggerates the sise and strength of all the heroes of 1 the Trojan war, and leads us to infer that the whole race of men, even in his day, ' had degenerated. We may suspect even 1 that the Jewish writers were nut entirely free fron a similar failing. Admitting that s people like the Kepbsim existed in Palestine, of greater stature than the He brews, it would require but a little stretch of a poetic imagination to paint them as giants. They may have been no larger in comparison with their conquerors than are the Patagonians, besids other more civilised races of to day, yet have seemed immense to the children of Israel, who were more probably under than over the average h igbt. Again, there is no absolute certainty that the Biniical text, as we have it, is as was originally written. Ourauthurixed ver sion makes Goliath, for instance, six cubits and a span in height, but the Vatican copy of Heptuagint i Codex Vatioanus) as old as any in existence I unless the dinailicus ex ceeds it), reads “four cubits and a span” agreeing in this with Josephus. To which account are we to adhere ? If to the lat ter, then the giant of the Philistines was only a little over six feet and a half in stature, instead of nine und a half. The sacred writer does nut give us the measure of King Og, but only that of his bedstead. It it not necessary to dispute the thirteen aud a half feet of the giant’s couch, hul we are half inclind to suspict that Og was afflicted with an ambition similar to that ef Alexander, and used a bedstead not in proportion to his actual sixe but in proportion to hia fancied inportance. It is curious to observe that, according to Dr. Smith, the words in Deuteronomy, translated "bedstead of iron,” arc also susceptible of the renderiag, “sarcophagus of black basalt," but this does not militate against tho probability of our supposition, j i Comparatively, modern writers are not | free from like exaggerations in regard to the stature of noted men. Wil.iam of Malmesbury makes the tomb of Wulwin, i nephew of King Arthur, und one of his famous knights, fourteen feel in length ; Hullinshead. quoting Sylvester Giraldus, i says that the body of King Arthur, found * iu Glastonbury, in 11S9, was two feet . higher than any man who came to see it. ! As Camden who gives an account of the r discovery, fails to note this peculiarity, of the corpse, the story is protubly without foundation. In like manner, Charlemagne und his paladins have been represented as of great stature. Eginhart says that the great emperor was seven of his own feet in height, from which we must infer either that he bad a very small foot, en tirely out of proportion to his site, or that . he was a very tall man. The old writers | would have us believe, too, that Boland, , the hero of Bonceavallea. was also of gi i gantic stature and strength. Happily, we i have some direct evidence ou this point, i Uakewill, quoting C .merarius says; “Fran | eis 1., King of Prance, who reigned about a hundred years since, being desiriuus to , know the truth of those things which were commonly spread touchingthe strengthaud p stature of Koulaud, nephew to Charle magne, caused his sepulchre to be opened, , wherein his bones and bow were found , rotten, but his armor aaund, though cov , ered with rust, which the King commun . ding to be scoured off, and putting it , upon his own body, found it to fit him, \ as thereby it appeared that Koulaud ex , ceeded him but little in bignesse und stature of body, though himaelfe were not excessive tall or big." We have similar , evidence in relation to the body of William the Conqueror which was reported to have been dug up, four hundred years after burial, and found to be eight feet in length ; for j Stowe says that, when the English took ’ Cannes, iu I&U2, some soldiers broke into ' the monument iu search of booty, and found ' nothing remarkable about the bones. Were it possible to get at the truth ' concerning the giants of antiquity, there ’ is little doubt but that half of them could * be shown to be pure myths, and that nine tenths of the remainder could be reduced ' in sixe very materially. Pliny's aasjrti m ' that mankind is gradually degenerating, is wholly gratuitous, and has no foundation | in fact. Indeed, a vast deal of proof can | be adduced, tending to show that the men '. of to-day are equal, and pro iab!y su perior in stature to the ancients- The ’ Greeks und Romans were undoubtedly of small sise. The helmets and sword-hilts that have come to us from the heroic ages, could not be used by the majority of soldiers of the present Kumpen nations. Ancient rings, also, are generally too small fur modern fingers. But tho classic writers give testimony enough on this point. Caesar, speaking of the Gauls, says: “Our shortness of 1 stature, in comparison with the great sise * of their bodies, is generally a subject of contempt to the men of Gaul." Tacitus 1 also describes the Gcrtusns as of robust 1 form, and of great stature, Strabo says * that he hud seen Britons at Borne who were r a half-foot taller than the tallest Italians. 1 Vet there is no proof that the men of these ■ nations were any larger in ancunt times * than they arc now. On the contrary, the * graves und barrows tell a different story. 9 The remains arc usually under the average * height of men of the present day. It is ' the same with Egyptian mummies. Ac -0 cording to Athenssus, a man of four cubits, * or six feet, in height, was considered of

“gigantic sixe” in Egypt. 1 Apollodorus, the grammarian of Athens, ' gives the height of the “gigantic Hercules" 1 as four cubits, and Phys, the woman who * was selected to personate Minerva, at ’• Athens, in the time of Pisistralus, on ac y count of her great height, which was con r siderod wonderful, did not exceed in * stature four cublta less by three fingers, or 19 only about five fret ten. c Numerous other examples might be ’■ given, but the facts cited are sufficient to “ prove that mankind, at the present day, if '' no greater, is lertainly no leas in height and in sise than in the days of old, and that fully as many instances of abnormal D stature have occurred in comparatively J modern times is when “there were giants a on the earth." —Appleton i Journal. it Prafauo swearing is abominable, vulgar n language is disgusting, loud laughter is impolite, inquisitiveness is offensive, tat tling is mean, telling a falshood is contemp tible, ignorance is disgraceful, and lasineaa ic is shameful. Avoid all the above vices, le and aim at usefulness. R. ie Rcmkhber Tuts.—No man can ever I- borrow himself out of debt. If you wish ie for relief, you must work for it. You ,y must make more and spend lees than yon did while you Were running in debt. TO and gtimo*. ’ I u Practical Joke. t While we were lying io camp at Roe- •eville, Georgia, the aixtietb Illinois re- c turned frum their furlough with a number t of rucruita. One of these having exhaust ed his supply of clean shirts, and not having learned to be his own laundress, • asked a veteran where bo could get some ‘ washing done. c “Do you see those tents there by the 11 church? Well, go there, and ask Mr. * Morgan; be docs washing. He is a \ crusty old cuss, but if you talk pretty nice 1 to him he’ll do it fur you.” I The recruit went as directed, and found ■ (jenerol Morgan walking in front of bis 1 tent, dressed, ss was his usual custom, in < the uniform of a high private. “Where will I find Mr. Morgan ?” asked I the recruit.,’ ' “My name is Morgan. What will yon ■ have '!" “I came to see if I could get some I clothes washed." 1 "Ilium Who sent yon hero to gel \ your clothes washed ?” “John Smith over here io the aixtietb." ' “Corporal of the gaurd I" (The corporal I approached and saluted.) “Young man, I go with the corporal, and show him John 1 Smith, so that ho can bring him over I here. And you some back with him and 1 bring all the dirty clothes you have.” I They departed and soon returned with 1 the guilty veteran and a huge armful of dirty shirts, socks, etc. The General to Smith—" Did you send : this young man here to have his clothes washed?” “Yes, sir, for a joke.” “For a joke! Well, well have the joke 1 carried out. We do have clothes washed 1 here sometimes. Corporal, take this man, Smith, and that bundle of clothes down to the creek, and have him wash them, fold them neatly, and return them to the own er ? See that he dues the job up hand somely I” The veteran wont away to his work sorrowfully, and the General resumed his walk. A Swift Marriage. Dean Swift was walking in the Phuenix road, Dublin, when a thunder-shower came on, and ho look shelter under a tree, where a parly was sheltering a so, two young women and two young men. One of the girls felt very sad, and, as the tain fell, her tears fell. The Dean inquired the cause, and learned that it was their wed ding day; they were on their way to the church, and now her white clothes were wet, and she couldn’t go. “Never mind ; you," said the Dean, and he took out his prayer-book, and there and then married them, their witnesses being present; and to make the thing complete, he tore a leaf from his pocket-book, and with his pencil wrote a certificate, which he handed to the bride. It was as follows: “Under a tree, in stormy weather, I married this man and woman together. I.et none but Him who rales the thunder Sever this man and woman asunder. Josathss Swirr, Dx*\ of St. Patrick’s." Gone Back on the Doctkent.—A short lime since a colored man entered the office of the Clerk of the County Court, and advancing to a table where the Deputy Clerk was busily engaged, he produced a marriage license for which he had paid the legal fee a few days before. “Bos, " said he, poking the license under the nose of the absorbed Deputy. “What is it?" was the impatient re sponse. “Boss," continued the darkey, “de lady declines dis document, and I futeh it in to git my money buck." It was a little consoling to the darkey to be told that some men went further .and fared worse, but when assured his money could nut be returned, he turned indignant ly on his double sMod pumps and muttered as he made his exit, “Ebery body's gone back on de document."— Warrtntun Index. An Koo Storv.—During the war, one of the Northern hotel-keepers was on a visit to Norfolk. The eggs came to the table boiled hard. “Look here," said the hotel keeper, “Sambo, these eggs are boild too hard. Now take my watch, and boil them three minutes by it." “He gave the negro his splendid gold watch. In about five minutes, the froed m n returned with the eggs and watch cn the same plate. The watch was wet. “What have you been doing with my watch ? asked the Northern Visitor. “Why, it’s all wet I" “Yes, suh," said the negro. “I biled dc watch wid de eggs. All right dis. lime, sah !" I say Jim, what is the difference be tween the commencement and the begin ning of anything ?” “I don’t know," said Jim. “What is It?" “There ain't any," was the reply. “I see," replied Jim. “Now you tell , m • this : A mule was on one side of a river and some hay on the other, and the mule wonted to got the hay without wet ting his feet. How did ho do it ?" “I don't know" said Jones; “I give it “P" “So did the other long eared animal," said - Jim. Henry Clay once accused John Ran dolph of being an aristocrat. In a voice whose shrill.picrcing tones,penetrated every ear in the rlowse, Randolph exclaimed: “If a man is known by the company he keeps, the gentleman who just sat down is more of an aristocrat than I claim to be ; for he spends most of his nights in the company of kings and queens and knaves. “My brudders," said a waggish collored man to a crowd, “in all affliction, in all oh your troubles, dar is one place you can al ways find •j/mpaihy." “Wbar? whar ?" shouted several. “In de dictionary,” he replied, rolling his eyes skyward. “Is this seat occupied ?’’ asked an ex quisite of an old lady. “I don’t know," said she, running her hands over the sur face, “It feels mostly Ilka plush, but you can't always tell." “Six feet In hla boots? exclaimed Mrs. Partington. What will the impudence of this world come to, I wonder? Why they 1 might as well tell me that a man had six heads in his hat.” 1 “ Are dose bells ringing for fire ? inqui red Simon, of Tiberius. “No, indeed, Tibc, dey hsb got plenty of fire, and de bells arc ringing for water." i “You're a man after my own heart," I os the cook said when she let her bean in at the back ggte. Advice to Young Gentlemen. The beaux of Hagerstown, Md., impose : upon the belles of that place, by keeping them up until a late hour of the night, which has induced a sensible young lady to offer them the following good advice, through the columns of Taiae-x- Week: “Dear gentlemen, between the ages of Hi and 27, listen to a few words of gratu itous advice: When you make a social call of an evening on a young lady, go away at a reasonable hour. Say you come at 8 o'clock ; an hour and a half is certain ly as long as the most fascinating of you in conversation cun desire to use his charms. Two hours indeed can be very pleasantly spent with music, chess, or other games, to lend variety : but, kind sir, by no means stay lunger. Make shorter calls and come ottencr. A girl that is a sensible, tru - hearted girl wid enjoy it butter, and really value your acquaintance more. Just im agine the agony of a girl who well knowing I the feelings of a father upon the subject, hears the chick strike 111 and yet must si. on the edge of her chair, in mortal terror, lust papa should put his oft-repealed threat into execution—that of coming down and inviting the gentleman to breakfast. We 'girls understand it all by experience, and know what it is to dread a prognostic ot displeasure. In such cases a sigh of relief generally accompanies the closing of the door behind the gallant, and one doesn't get over the feeing of trouble till safe in the arms of Morpheus. “Now young gentlemen friends, I'll tell you what we girls will do. For an hour and a half we will be as irresistibly charm ing and fascinating as possible—then, be ware ! Monosyllabic responses will he all you need expect; and if when the limits shall have been passed a startling query shall be heard coming down the stairs ’ Isn’t it time to close up ?'—you must consider it righteous punishm-'iit and meekly depart, a sadder, and we hope, a wiser man. Do not get angry, but next time you come be careful to keep wi.hin bounds. We want to rise early these pleasant mornings and improve the “shining hours;" but when forced to be up at such unreasonable hours at night, exhausted nature will speak ;sud as a natural consequence with the utmost speed in dressing we can barely get down to breakfast in time to escape from papa, . who dusen’t believe in beaux—as though he hud never been young—and a reprov ing glance from mamma, who understands a little better a poor daughters feelings, but still must disapprove outwardly to keep up appearances. “And now, young men, think about these things, and don't, for pity's sake, don't throw down your paper with a ‘l‘shaw !’ but remember the safe side of ten.”' The First of April The following well-timed and sensible remarks on the miseries of the First of April, we find in the Mechnnicxbnrg True Republican, and as they applyVcqually as well to this county, we reproduce them : “There is no other day named in the almanac which attracts so much attention ! and is filled with so many hopes, cx|>ectu tions, disappointments and chagrin us the Ist day of April in this community, that being the ‘general settlement day. It has been the custom so long that the memory of man runneth not to the contraiy that that day is the auspicious time to settle accounts ‘thee and me.' How it came to be established wg cannot say any more than we can give the reason why ‘moving day’ is on the same day, or in New Y’ork on the first day of May. It is a nuisance nevertheless, and we are informed by our bankers that the practice of making pay ments on the first of April is increasing with surprising rapidity every year. If A. makes a purchase from B. he gives his note maturing on the first of April, 18—. B. gives a similar obligation to C.. and thus it goes. Everybody expecting everybody to ‘ante up' on that particular day. Now what is the lonsequ nce? Why, from about the inception of a year to the second week in April, everybody is short of cash. Parties who have money to loan hold it ‘for a snap on the Ist.' The bunks are compelled to contract their circulation in anticipation of a ‘run’ on that day, and as a consequence we country people lose three months' business every year because we make the Ist day of April -settlement day.' We have known farmers who have sold their grain in Winter and deposited the money they received for it in bank, and compelled their blacksmith to wait until the Ist, who in turn settled with his cred itors on that day. Now what is the use of all this? Why nut. when giving an obligation make it payable at say one year from date, or 30 days after date, instead of ‘on the first day of April 1874,' I piofsis - to pay A. 8.. one hundred dollars ? We charge nothing fur the suggestion here given, but hope it will receive the consid eration of our financial economists." How to Get Along. Do not stop to tell stories in business hours. If you have a place of business, bo found there when wanted. No man can get rich by silting round stores and saloons. “Never fool" in business matters. Have order, system, regularity, liberality, and promptness. Do not meddle with business you know nothing of. Never bay an article you don't need, simply because it is cheap, and the man who sells it will take it out in trade. Trade in money. Strive to avoid hard words and personali ties. Do not kick every stone in the path. More miles can be made in a day in going steadily on than by stopping. Fay as you go. A man of honor respects his word as his bond. Aid, but never beg. Help others when you can, but never give what yon can't afford to, simply because it is fashionable. Leant, to say “no.” No necessity of snapping it out dog fashion, but say it firmly and respectfully. Have but frtv confidants; the fewer the better. Use your own brains rather than those of others. Lara to think and act for your self. Be vigilant. Keep ahead rather than behind the times. March Fourth. The New York Evening Putt points out that it is purely accidental that the begin ning of the Presidential and Congressional terms should date from the fourth of March. It happens thus; By a resolu tion of the last Congress held under the articles of Confederation, passed Septem • ber 13, 1788, it was provided that electors should be chocen on the first Wednesday of the next January; that the President and Vice President should be elected on the first Wednesday in February ; and that the now government should be organised at New York, on the first Wednesday of March. That day happened to bo on the fourth day of the month, and, inasmuch as the Constitution itself fixes the Presiden tial term at four and the Congressional term at two years, it follows that such terms must always close at midnight on (ho third day of March. VOL. VIII.—NO. 20. - - Ground Buse. As it is not generally known how this ; fertiliser fat made wo take pleasure in giv- j ing a description of the largest factor} in ! the world, that of Lister Bros., Newark. | New Jersey. The establishment occupies ; 4 acres of ground, and possess si an admir-; able front upon the Passaic Kiver, with I suitable wharfage fur loading and unload ing from steamers. Twenty-five teams are daily employed in gathering refuse bone from all parts of Newark and vicinity, also from New Vork and suburbs while im mense quantities arc transported from dis tant points by sailing vessels, from Maine, New Orleans, and even Brazil; amount ing to an average of dll tons per slay, or over 10,1101) tons per annum. The lames, immediately after receipt at the yard, are divided into several classes. Phe thigh bent* arc assorted by themselves for burning into bone black, or fur sale to the bone-turners to convert into ivory ware knife-handles, napkin-rings, tooth-brushes, etc.; the skulls form another heap, while the remainder form still another muss. From these two last heaps the bones are carried into the interior of the factory, and east into large wooden tanks, filled with hot water from the boilers, and here they are boiled until the meat iaseparated from the hone. They are then dipped out, the bones thrown into one pile, and the meat carried into another room. The meat is then manipulated with su'phurie acid, healed, and dried. Then it is brought to the grinding mills. These consist of s series of five mills, one after the other, intimately connected, and of tremendous ' capacity and strength. Into the first mill a workman throws the bones from the big heap, mixed with a du: proportion of the dried meat. These pass through three sets of grinding rollers in the first mill; then pass in little cups up into another receiver; and again pass through a second mill, ground fine, and again pisses by cups up to the receiver of a third mill, from which it emerges in the form of fine ground bone. This is the article generally used for farm purjaisos. being fine enough to sow broad cast, and give good immediate effect, yet lasting over years ahead. The same article is passed again through a fourth mill, ground finer than ever, and emerges in tile form of bone moal—the bones being very minute, and forming s coarse-grained meal. This we consider the best of ail ur fades of their manufac ture ; the effects being excellent the very first year, and still not exhausted for sub sequent crops. This is not all. The bone moal itself is passed through a fifth mill, with line teeth, grinding close and fine, and from this comes bonc-fiutir; while a blower j creates a draft in the pipe and blows all ■ j the very finest particles from the flour us j it descends into a chamber, where it falls ■ into lung bags and is saved. This is known as bone-float—a powder so fine us almost | to flout in the air, and lighter than any grain-flower or meal we have ever known. ; This is used especially for making a liquid manure, to apply to house-plants or fur garden purposes, being as quick as guano. The establishment runs night and day, the entire year, employs 3 engines of tin, 40 and 15 horse power respectively, 200 . men. and 5 steamboats constantly at work . ajid still are insufficient for their extend ing business. Every fanner kuuws that i g'-od bone is one of the very best articles : to apply on his crops.whctber broadcast to help his grass, land and grain, or to apply in the bill ; but many unscrupulous dealers by adulterating their articles and adding fruiu 10 to 25 per cent, mineral matter -md plaster, add from 85 to 810 per ton to their profits. This amounts in the course of s year to a very large sum te every manufacturer, and the temptation to adulterate is very great. Hence it is a matter of public interest to discover who are honest, nnd who are rogues. The gen tlemen. whose place wo have visited, are the largcat dealers in bone in the United States; their article has attained such a reputation that English farmers and Deal ers have conic over here and offered to take the entire manufacture and export in to England. The superpboepliatc is merely bone-meal mixed with diluted sulphuric acid and bone-black, and made fine and more active fur immediate use. The process* is quite inlcrcsiing, and it is a great satisfaction to learn of one place where a really pure articel is made. The partners, from father to son, ' have always stuck to their business, worked hard, done business honestly, avoided cred it, and made themselves successful, by fair dealing. We think fcrmm ought to ap -1 predate a good example like this, and give them credit for the benefits they confer upon the agricultural community. Charge It A simple little sentence is this, to be sure, and yet it may be considered one of tic most insidious enemies with which ! people bare to deal. It is very pleasant to hare all the little eommi dittea offered for sale in the market, and it is sometimes hard to deny one's self of the same, when they can be obtained by just order ing them and sayiug “charge it." But the habit of getting articles, however small the expense may be, without paying for them, keeps one’s funds in a low state most of the lime. “I have not the money to-day, but I should like the article very much, says a young man who, happening into a store, secs somthing which strikes his fancy. “Never mind,'' says the gentle manly cierk, “yon are good for it." “‘Well, I will take it and you may charge it." And so it is that little accounts are opened at one place snd another, till the young man is surprised at his liabilities, which, though small in detail, are sufficiently large in the aggregate to reduce his cash materially when settling day comes. In 1 | many instances, if the cash was required, 1 | the purchase would not be made, even ; had the person Ihe money by him ; but to ' | some, getting an article charged does not 1 seem like parting with an equivalent. > Still, when pay-day comes, as it always ! does, his illusion vanishes, and a feeling is experienced of [oning with money snd receiving nothing in return. Although California-raised bops are not unknown in the Eastern market, it may not be generally known that they can be raised only in the winter. The colder the weather, the better the vine is said to _ thrive, and in clear, frosty nights, it hat I been known to grow an inch in five hours. C It bears beautiful, snow-white flowers, something like tube-roses, only much more , fragile and fragrant Ladies wear them _ at evening parties. These flower* open ' only fit night, and wither in the day-time. , When the mercury is lowest and the snow ! crispest, then this delicate flower opens its petals and fills the (Voety sir with its per t fume, I *— f One of the most injurious dietetic habits e of Americans is that of eating fresh hot s bread, cake and biscuit. The Prussian i- government compels bakers to keep their d bread at least one dsy heftire selling. H h Americans would follow their example, o there would b* fewer dyspeptics thsn at present. i §U*ito. Patriotism, Potations, Liberty, Lager. A question has arisen and been argued before the Pennsylvania .Supreme Court as to the validity of what ia kuowu as s tom per.nce "local oplkm” law. By a bare majority of the Court it has been held consDi.utional. In the dissenting opinion of Chief-Justice Head, we note the follow ing passage referring to Massachusetts : It is netorious that liquor could he had in every hotel, restaurant, and oyster aa ; loon in Boston. The law is in fact a dead.letter there; the evil being to en courage deception, falsehood and fraud, i and to accustom citizens to s daily viola lion of law. Messrs. Reuter & Alley, of Boston, are the most extensive brewers in the United Sutez, producing 118,000 bar rels of ale per anuum. In Massachusetts the people were spending two pounds ster ling per head on strong drinks in face of the Maine Liquor law. We are all for the. Maine law, said a man to Mr. Mcßca, hat we sre against its enforcement. The brewers in Philadelphia produce , 600,000 barrels of mat liquor annually, giving employment to nearly 100,600 men! and consuming in its niaDiifsclure 1,500- 000 buuhels of barley, of the valued'll.lo , per bushel. Ale ia a healthy liquor, and lager beer is a favorite beverage, ptrtica lar'y of our large German population. The | question of license is to be submitted to the eitizeus of Philadelphia at the next . general election, and if the vote is against license then the city will be under s pro , hibitory liquor law during the whole cen tennial celebration, to which we have in vited the whole country. | “On the 4th of July, 1776, every pn [ triot drank to the independence of the , -hirtoen States. Shall it be that on the 4th of July, 1876. all we can lawfully offer i to our guests on tills great anniversary will . be a glass of Schuylkill water, seasoned with a lump of Knickerbocker iee T" , Unanimity in Juries. The New York World says:—Our con , temporaries discuss with much interest . tile wisdom and expediency of that iuber i itod rule of law imbedded in our Federal . | and State constitutions which requires _ unanimity in the verdicts of juries. The ~ occasion of this interest in the subject ap pears to be the introduction of a measure j in the British Parliament looking to s r change in the system now sod so long ap- I plied in that country, which Hatlam de s scribed as “the preposterous relic of bar " barism.” In many quarters there is evi , dentiy the impression that a movement to t break np the unanimity system in Eng . land is new. On the contrary, it has been going on for nearly half a' century. I A Royal Commission in 1830 recommcnd , cd that n majority of three-fourths of a jury should be competent to return a ver dict. On this Commission sat some of the greatest common-lawyers of the day. J M. jority verdicts are valid in Scotland, Australia, France and other Continental ’ countries, and work well. In no other t tribunal is unanimity essential to the val j idity of its decisions. Why in juries? , The truth is that in the whole contrivance , for deciding disputed factt we unreasona j bly cliug to inherited forms after the ne , ccssity or occasion fur those forms has passed I swsy. We demand twelve men in a jury , box. Why that particular number ? Who , knows why the number of twelve was adopted in England ? Is there a better reason than that often given of similitude ’ to tlie number of the apostles ? How did | the plan of unanimity grow up ? No one cun authoritatively say. But if we insist on unanimity us in the far-off day of less j intellectual activity among the masses than ( now, and therefore of lew chance of an tagonism of opinion among jurymen than ’ now, why do we not go back to the old i plan oi shutting jury np the without light, food, or water, till they agree, and thus give I victory to the best physique ? Our pres , cut system is neither one thing nor the other. , A Ship That Has Com Horn.—Hie I ship that was to bear fortune to the “Chase heirs" has at last come heme, J bringing with it the snog sum of 8260.- 00(1,(Hitt to be divided among the Ameri , can heirs of throe brothers, Englishmen, who emigrated to this country about the , year 1680. Of these brother* Aquilla settled in Newburyport, Massachusetts; Thomas in Rhode Island and William in Yarmouth, Massachusetts. A fourth broth er named Richard, remained in England. The vast property comes by descent from a Sir Townley, living about the year 1600 ’ at Townley Hall, in Lancashire, England. He was the progenitor of a certain Miss ' Mary Townley, who married a man named Chase, who was the father of the four sons mentioned. This Mary Townley -rts the ■ heir of all her ancestor’s immense riches. ' A late decision of the English courts has ' given them three-fourths of the sum of 8385,000,000, the full amount of the in heritance in our times to the American heirs, the remainder, about 8125,000,000 having already been distributed among the heirs of Richard, who bad remained in r England. The Annajioliißepublican '• it is now generally supposed that the Mary land Chases will come in for part of this vast amount, as they trace from the same ; common ancestor. Nothing definite has I yet been ascertained however. ’ House Racino at Fairs—The right p of managers of County Agricultural Soci , etios to permit horse racing at their an , nual exhibitions, is to be tested np in Washington county, Penn. Previous to the fair held in that county last Fail, Or. 0 Le Moyne notified the authorities of the , association that he should enter suit if horse racing or trotting was allowed, but 8 no attention was paid to bis notice. The r Doctor has instituted proceedings against J the managers, and the point at issue will be subjected to the most rijpd legal inves tigation. The result of this case will be looked upon with considerable Interest,— t Turf Field and Farm. r -re c Capital punishment was abolished in f lowa two year* ago, and statistics just 0 published show that ten murderer* h*vc ' sinoe then been convicted iu that State, '■ while of shootings, stabbing* and beatings 'i to death in fits of anger the list ia a fright- fully long dne, considering the population " Of low* We have already stated that • the number of murderers in the Michigan State prison, sentenced to life imprison * ment, is sixty. fib. * the groat snow-storm in that State in Jan-

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