Newspaper of The Washington Standard, June 7, 1873, Page 1

Newspaper of The Washington Standard dated June 7, 1873 Page 1
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Washington Wm StaniwrD. VOL. XIII--NO. 31. J> tmuliwi II ISSFKD EVKIIT SATUEDAT MORNING BT JOHN MILLER MURPHY, EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR. fttibicHption Ratu t Per Annum S3 00 " aix months 2 00 Adnrtltliif Rata* i fano square. one insertion $2 00 ISAeh Additional iuoertion 1 00 Business cards, i*;r quarter 5 00 " " " annum 18 00 deduction will be made in fa- Tor of those who advertise four squares, or Upwards, by the year. I.egAl notices will lie charged to tho at torney or officer Authorizing their insertion. Advertisements sent from a distance tend transient notice*, must be ucconi|ianiecl uv the cash. Uy Announcements of liirtlis. marriages tmd deaths, inserted free of charge. Obituary notice*, or " poetry" append ed to marriages or deaths, will IK» chanced one-half our regular advertising rates. \Vo will not hereafter deviate from this rule. Wanks. Kill heads. Cards, Catalogues, Circular*. Hills of Tare, Posters, Pamphlets Programmes. Ac., printed at reasonable rates OrncK -Comer of Second and Washington Kl reels. A HOUSE CKAWMXG THROUGH A POST.— A story is told of the late liev. Mr. Mprague, of D . which sets the re markable simplicity of the learned par son in a very ludicrous light. Paying a visit to one of his parishioners, he threw the brulle off his horse and over the post of a rail-fence*near the house. I)tiriug his stay the animal contrived to disengage the bridle from the post and get it under his feet; seeing which a servant girl drew the reins through one of the mortices and placed it over the top of the post, in the form of a nooss. The parson, going to untie the horse, Was indescribably astonished to tin 4 the bridle, which he had simply thrown over the post, thus passed through one of tl'o holes. "This beats all," ejaculated he to himself; "I never saw the like of it in nil my life before 1 To be sure, wo re id of u camel going through the eye of a needle, but this was in the da,vs of miracles. No, no; 1 never saw the like of this before." Ho examined it anew; ho tried to Ret tho bridle out, bat it surpassed Lis in genuity. "Yes, it must be," said he, "the horse lms actually crawled through tho post-hole—there's 110 other way to ac count for it." Full of this impression, and despair ing of making tho animal retrace his steps, ho whipped out his knife, and was about cutting tho reins, when the same girl, perceiving his quandary, re leased the horse aud explained the mystery, liutif the simple parson had boeu astonished before, ho was little less so now, to rind his own penetration surpassed by that of a servant-girl. " Hey, girl," said he, " I believe you ftrc light. But how, in the name of wonder should a girl like vou know more than a man of my learning? It's astonishing! ustouisliing! Miraculous! miraculous!" HOOPING A FLOVK BARREL. — Putting n hoop on a family flour barrel is an operation that will hardly bear an en core. Tho woman generally attempts it before tho man comes home to diu ner. She sets the hoop on tho edge of the staves, takes a deliberate aim with the rolling pin, and then shutting both eyes brings the pin down with all the force of one arm, while the other in stinctly shields her face. Then she makes a dive for tho cam phor and unbleached muslin, and when the man comes home she is sitting back of the stove, thinking of St. Stephen and other martyrs, while tho burnt dinner and camphor are struggling he roically for the mastery. Ho says if she had kept her temper she wouldn't have got hurti And he Visits the barrel himself, and puts the hoop on very carefully, and then he laughs to himself to think what ft fuss his wife kicked up over such a simple matter that only needed a little patience to adjust itself, and then he Rets the hammer, and fetches the hoop *. B b**P rap on one sido, and the other Ride flies up and catches him on the bridge of the nose, filling his soul with Wrath and his eyes with tears, and the hext instant that barrel id flyihg across the room accompanied with tho hatn tner, and another candidate for camphor ttnd tt rag is enrolled in the great army that is unceasingly marching toward the grave. idV Man is the only creature en dowed with the power of laughter; is he not also the only one that deserves to be laughed at l—Qreville. K3T What is the difference between the top of Bunker Hill Monument and ® song for one voice ?—One's so high and the other's SO1«K ty If the best man's faults were Written on hi -, forehead, he would draw his hat over hi - eyes. The wholo cost of our 69,000 nuleaof railroad is about $3,436,038,- DEVOTED TO NEWS, POLItTICR, THE DISSEMINATION OF I.'SEFI'L< INFORMATION AND TUB PROMOTION OF THE BEST INTERESTS OF WASHINGTON TERRITORT. OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON TERRITORY, SATURDAY MORNING, JUNE 7, 1873. Getting Out of a Dilemma. THE sronr OF A HURRIED COURTSHIP. I was a young man, possessed of suf ficient means to enable me to live at my ease and refrain from labor of any kind, when suddenly there came a blow that scattered my prosperity to the winds, and forced me to employ my labor and wits in the general struggle of gaining a living. The blow cnme in the shape of a failure of a large firm in which my capital was invested. After securing a clerkship in the house of ft creditor of our late firm, ray next cure was to look up a less expensive boarding-house than the fashionable one in which I was living. I inserted an advertisement in several widely-cir culated city papers, asking for reasona ble board in a strictly private family, and of course received a multitude of answers by the next post. Out of this motley instalment of epistles there was one which pleased me, and that one I decided to answer in person immedi ately. Grace Kingsley was the name of the favored landlady writing to me, and the letter stated that the house was en tirely private, having no boarders what ever. I was much pleased with the fair delicate hand-writing, and the idea took possession of me that Grace was a young and fascinating widow. I was not disappointed when I reached the house, and my ringing the door-bell was answered by the lady herself. She invited me into the parlor in a manner so courteous and yet so modest that 1 had fallen desperately in love with her before I could cross the threshold. I enjoyed a very pleasant chat with Mrs. Kingsley. During the conversa tion she said that her late husband had been in a fair way of business, and that at his death, which occurred a year previous, had left her in pretty comfort able circumstances; they had but one child; and this item of morality I was permitted to look upon, as it lay peace fully slumbering in its cradle. I also learned the lady was living in the house <piitc alone, and desired a male boarder more as a means of protection than ns a source of revenue. In conclusion, the landlady looked so pretty (she was epiite young, not more than two or three and twenty), and the board so moderate, her companionship so invit ing, and she seemed to trust in me, and look upon mo so favorably, that I would have been a heathen, dead to all the charms and inducements of the sex, if I had not engaged board on the spot. The next day I had my trunk removed to my new boarding place, and I per manently established myself there. Before leaving my boarding-house, n letter was handed to me by the post man, but I did not find time to exam ine it until I was comfortably ensconced in the parlor of Mrs. Kingsley's house. Opening the letter I discovered it to be from a wealthy uncle of mine resid ing in Vermont, who regularly sent me ft letter once a yeat; but whom I had never seen. His epistles were always short and to the point, generally con sisting of an account of the weather in his locality, and good advice to me to take care of my money, as I might lie burdened with Bome of it before I was always very glad to get this advice from him, ns I regarded it as an inti mation that I was to inherit his wealth on his decease. Ono day however about a year pre vious, I received a letter from him, winch contained another topic besides those I liave mentioned. My uncle made some pressing inquiries regarding my matrimonii! prospects and stated that if I wafc not nlready married I should at once enter into the wedded state, and let him know of it, or he would never more be an uncle of iniuo. Ndflf, as my uncle lived in Vermont and I in Philadelphia, and I never an ticipated that lie would pay me a visit and discover the falsehood, I wrote and informed him that I was not only married, bilt the father of a bouncing baby. This intelligence so pleased my uncle that he sent tt gold goblet an<l silver pap-spoon to be presented to my child. lat first sat down and Wrote a romantic letter to my uncle, thanking him for the present and then visited tho nearest jewelry store, and turned both the goblet and spoon into cash, which I pocketed. I had received no further letters from my uncle until the one which I read in Mrs. Lingsley's parlor. The postscript not only astonished, but absolutely frightened me. I read as follows: " P. S.—l have never visited Phila delphia, so I have decided to do so at once, and get a look at you and your wife and child. You may expect me about the tenth of the month." '' Good gracious, my uncle is coming to visit me," I exclaimed, " and it's past the tenth of the month now! I don't know what moment he may pop in! What shall Ido for a wife and child?" At that moment there came a ter rible pull at the door-hell, as if the man who pulled it imagined he owned the house, and could make as much noise as he pleased. A sickening sensation took posses sion of mo, for I had a misgiving that it was my uncle. Now, as good for tune would have it, Mrs. Kingftley had gone out to a neighboring store for a few moments, and had requested, me to have an eye on her child while she was gone, so that it would not fall out of the cradle, and hurt itself. As I glanced at the cradle, and thought of my uncle at the door, a bright idea en tered my mind. I determined in case the visitor was my uncle, to claim the youthful occupant as my own. The visitor proved to be my uncle, I know him by the picture of him, I had seen, and he likewise knew me by my photograph. After a mutual recogni tion and hand-shaking. I ushered my honored relative into the parlor, and introduced him to my newly-claimed offspring. "There, uncle," I said " is the first pledge of our married life. I assure I take pleasure in presenting to you my child." " It is a fat little j'oungster," said my uncle gazing at him admiringly. " By the way, what is it, boy or girl?" That was a knotty question for me to answer, for lie was just as much ac quainted with its gender as I was. But it would not do to show ignorance on the subject, and so I answered at haphazard that it was a boy. "I am sorry it is a boy," said my uncle; "there are too many boys in the family. Now, if you had produced a little blue-eyod girl, it would have been more sensible." I assured him I was very sorry that the gender did not SBit, but hoped in the future his wishes would be gratified. So far I had succeeded in deceiving my uncle, but the worst, I feared was that when Mrs. Kingsley returned she might object to my claiming ownership in her child. Besides, to carry out my deception, I must find a wife as well as an infant, and Sirs. Ivingsley was the only one I could conveniently claim. The only difficulty was to get her to consent to the deception, and this might be done if I could only secure a private conversation with her before I introduced her to my uncle; then it would be all right. I watched my opportunity and gained an interview with her before she en tered the room. I told her in a few brief and hurried words, the extent of my difficulty, and how I hod taken the liberty of acting a papa for her little one. I then told her I must find a wife somewhere, and get her to allow mo to introduce her in that capacity. She laughed very heartily at the sug gestion 6aid she could comprehend my difficulty, and consented to my pro posal, and very roguishly warned me not to presume upon the occurrence. We then entered the parlor, and I introduced her as my better half. My uncle was very much pleased with her, and complimented me upon my good choice in the selection of a wife. Mrs. Kingsley, of course, colored most, charmingly and I could scarcoly refrain from laughing. " You have a fine boy here," said my uncle to Mrs. Kiugsley, pointing to the cradle. " Excuse me, sir," said she, eoloriiig up again, " it is a girl." I was dumbfouuded. I was exposed in my iniquity. Would my uncle Re lieve me after this? Hfe looked from me to my pretty landlady with a puz zled eountenanee> " Your husband told me it was a boy," he said, aud rather suspiciously, too, I thought. " Well, I always took it for a boy," was my reply putting on a bold face; but I suppose my wife knows best." Here Mrs. Kingsley fairly screamed with laughter, and my uncle's stern face assumed an ironical smile. '•You arc a nice father, ain't you ?" touching me with tho point of his um brella " not to know the sex of your own child. Why I knew it was a girl the moment I looked at it." " But, Charley," he said again ad dressing ine, " what did you do with the goblet and papspoon I sent to the little one?" " Oh, they are perfectly safe, I as sure you!" I replied, "I have taken good care of them." " Yes, but where in the deuce are they ? I would like very much to take a look at them." " Well, I have deposited them in a bank for safe-keeping, but I can read ily produce them—that is—in the course of a week's time." He told me to do so, as he wanted to see them, and I got out of the room, for fear that he might ask me some more perplexing questions. A short time afterwards Mrs. Kings ley came to me, when I was alone, in an adjoining room, and I saw immedi ately that something very humorous must have happened for the corners of her lips were breaking into smiles. " Do you know, sir, what an awkward predicament you have got me in ?" she inquired us she took a scat on the sofa bv mv side. " Explain yourself," I said. " Why your uncle came to mo a short time ago, and asked to see my marriage certificate, and he said he had some money to settle upon us immediately, but ho wanted to be sure that every thing was right first." "Did you expose me?" I inquired, anxiouslv. "No, sir. I did not; for I never en ter into a deception or anything else by halves." I was so elated that I could not with stand the temptation of embracing her, This did not make her angry; for she nestled her head cosily on my shoul der and smiled serenely. " What answer did you make him ?" I then asked. She hesitated for a moment, and then said: " I promised to produce the marriage certificate." . " But we hav n't got any," I remarked. She indulged in a quiet little laugh, but said nothing. "Mrs. Kingsley—nay, my dear mad am—no, I will call you darling—we are both in a scrape, and there is but one way for us to get out of it. We must go and get married immediately. Will you be my wife ?' " I shall be delighted," she answered frankly, and seizing both my hands, said she was ready for a frolic of any kind. We lost no time, I assure you, I don't thiuk Mrs. Kingsley ever got into her Sunday clothes in such a hurry in her life before, while I spoiled two pair of suspenders in my frantic en leavors to be on time. We quite astonished the parson by our haste, and at the con clusion of the ceremony I would have forgotten to give him the usual fee, if he had not reminded me of it. We had secured the coveted marriage certificate, signed aud sealed, and were now safely out of our predicament, as wo thought. We had omitted one pre caution, as we handed the certificate to uncle. It was all right, with the ex ception of tho modern date. " Why, how is this?" said my uncle, gazing at the document through his specs. "I thought you were married over a year ago." " So we were, uncle," I answered very solemnly. " How comes it then, that the cer tificate is dated to-day?" he asked in a voice of thunder. We were struck speechless, bdtli my wife aud I. " Come," said my lincle, " I seo dome trickery here. Own up to it, or I will never forgiro ymt." I did own up to it, arid told him the whole story. I expected it would make him angry, but it did not; for he laughed heartily and said I was a clever rascal and he was proud of me. " But how about the goblet and pap spoon ? You haven't been drawing the wool over my eyes about them, too, have you, chl" I told the truth about the goblet and papspoon. " Why you are a regular trickster;" Raid my uncle. " I believe you would deceive Satan himself. But I won't get angry with yon, for I used to play the same games when I was young." In a word he became reconciled, and my uncle settled upon me a sufficient income to enable me to suit my irksome duty as a clerk. lie lias gone back to Vermont, and lean but say in conclu sion that when lie pays us another visit I can show several " little peoplo" that I call my own, and without telling a falsehood. THE LOUISIANA INFAMY. The following description of the manner in which the Kellogg usurpa tion manages matters in Louisiana is taken from the editorial columns of the New York Ural J: Appointments arc made without any pretence of authority, and the hired ruffians known as the " Metropolitans," an armed force created in New Orleans in violation of law, and composed of all the thieves and cut-throats whose knives are at the service of any one who can pay for them, are sent from parish to parish to make war upon the people, if necessary, drive out the legal author ities and to install the Kellogg ap pointees. With characteristic coward ice the white ruffians prompt the ne groes to take a prominent part in the lighting, and hence the trouble is fast assuming.the terrible aspect of a war of races. Commenting upon this subject the Il'rahl says: Do the American people pause to re flect upon .the fatal consequences of this condition of society in one of the sov ereign States of the Union ? Do they persuade themselves that the liberties of the people of Louisiana can bo stripped from them, that the legally elected officers of the Louisiana' State government can be driven from power at the point of the bayonet and the lib erties and rights of other communities and other State; be vet preserved. Do they picture to themselves the horrors of a war of rnces, or imagine that in tho event of a conflict between the whites and blacks of Louisiana the scenes that would follow could lie con fined to one State of the Uuion ? The occurrences in Louisiana to-day are fraught with danger to the peace of the Union, and to the lives of hundreds of thousands of innocent persons. The only hope of safety lie 3in the contin ued patience and endurance of the un happy people of that oppressed State. They* may possibly be called upon to endure nearly four years of tyranny and outrage, but even that will be bet ter than a contest the extended evils of which no person can foresee. THE COW AND THE HORSE —(.1 TFABI**). —A fat cow, who saw herself detected by an approaching horse, while perpe trating stiff and ungainly gambols in the Spring sunshine, suddenly assumed a severe gravity of gait, and a sedate solemnity of expression, tliat tfould have been creditable in a Brahmin. " Fine morning!" said tho horse, who, fired by her example, was curvet ing literally and tossing his head. " That's rather an uninteresting fact," replied tho cow, attending strictly to her business as a ruminant, " does not impress me as justifying your execution of all manner of unseemly contortions, as a preliminary to accosting an entire stranger." " Well, n—no,"stammered the horse; " I suppose not. Fact is, I—l—no of fense, I hope." And that unhappy charger walked soberly away, dazed by the preternat ural effrontery of that placid cow. When overcome by the dignity of any ono you Clirihce to meet, try and have this fable about you. MAKING PEOPLE HAPIT.—A poetical writer Ims snitl that some men move through life as a band of music moves down the street, flinging out pleasure oil every side through the air to every one, far and near, tfiat can listen. Some men till the air with their strength and sweet UOSH, as the orchards of Octo b«r days fill tho air with the ripe fruit. Home women cling to their own houses like the honeysuckle over the door; yet, like it, fill alf tho region with the sub tile fragrance of their goodness. It is no to hold the royal gifts of the soul that they shall be music to some, fra grance to others, and life to all! It would be no unworthy thing to live for, to make the power which wo have within us the breath of other men's joys? to fill tho atmosphere which they must stand in with a brightness which they cannot crea e for themselves. WHOLE NO. 656. WONDERFUL INVENTION. A Boon at Jonrwallun-Irtnitllkh Combi nation Kfekrr. I have invented a machine for tile purpose of reducing the number of ex- I change fiends now in existence. As I raanv of your exchanges know, exchonge i f ends are persons of great perseverance I who continually drop in the room where j the exchanges of a newspaper office are j kept, and wrestle with them under the : pretence of searching for the Daily San | Francisco Crusher, or the Jiullwliotkerj or some other sheet which they bffei 1 ttf I swear they can't find at thbtiews fctands: ( These persons, as if their present alone was not sufficiently borrowing, have a way of sitting for at least a half I an hour at a time and rattling the pa- I pers in the exchange basket in a man ner intended to exasperate and confuse every one at work within range cf the noise. They do worse. When one of tbem is informed that the paper wanted is not to be had, he invariably says: " An old one will do just as well," and his brow darkens with unmanly suspl« cion when he is told that the paper he wants has positively been carried out. these persons also make tedious and unnecessary explanations consuming much valuable time and wearing out the patience. They know every thing that is disagreeable, and practice it per" sistently. All their faults, if written of here, would make this thing too long. The invention to which I refer is known as " Bogardus' Patent Irresisti ble Combination Kicker for the use of newspaper offices;" and it is in every respect superior to the buzz saw now in use in some of the western newspa per establishments. It consists mainly of—first a large, strongly constructed chair, in the bottom of which are con cealed numerous remarkable springs of extraordinary power; second, an im mense boot, made of a hard, unyield ing substance and connected beneath the floor with the chair; third, a number of strong rods and things connecting the whole with the steam engines of the establishment. The boot and chair are also connected with a powerful hook; which is concealed in the ceiling. As the unsuspecting fiend approaches; he is requested to be seated in the chair, which is placed close to the bas ket in which the exchanges fire kept; J list as he settles in the seat and reaches for an exchange, a member of the edi torial staff suddenly jerks a convenient knob; the powerful and wonderful springs in the chair begin to toss the fiend in a most extraordinary manner; a portion of the floor slides away, and the immense boot switlgs into view, making a kind of crashing ncfise art though the building were falling. Iti a few seconds more tbo remarkable springs, true to their task, throw the astonished fiend into a position which makes him face the doer. The con cealed hook then drops from the ceiling and seizes him by the coat collar, and then the boot, with the rapidity of lightning, is put where it will do the most good. When the boot has gdnC rapidly back and forth for about half a minute, the machinery is stopped) the shattered fiend is lowered to a litter and carried outi and for' six weeks he languishes under tile impression that he has been assaulted from behind by the tutolory demon of the press or some equally exasperated monster too hideous to de-* scribe. Ho never returns to the ex-* Change basket. The Patent Irresistible Kicker is very effective, ami has been known to shat ter one of Dr. Harding's celebrated in terviewing cushions at one blow. I anticipated a great demand tor it as soon us its merits become known. The specification of this patent is the spring work of the chair, with its connecting boot. S. C. BUAITHWAITE BOOAKDUS. Louisville, April 8. PCT AOREEMEVTS IN Wnrrao.—How many misunderstandings arise from the loose way in which business matters arc talked over, and then vrhen oaeh party puts his own construction on the conversation, the matter is dismissed bv each, with the words: " All right; all right." Frequently it turns out all wrong, and becomes a question for lawyers and the courts. More than three-fourths of the litigation of the country would be saved if people would put down their agreements iu writing and sign their names to it. Each word in our language has its peculiar mean ing, and memory may by the change of its position in a sentence, fconvey an entirely different idea from that intend ed. When once reduced writing ideas are fixed, and expensive lawsuits are avoided. 337 Mark T'vrain, n few months after his first baby was born, was holding it on his knee. His wife said, " Now con fess Sam, that you lore the child!" " I can't do that," replied the humorist, "but I'm willing to admit J respect the little thing for its father's sake. S3T A telescope has been constructed wliirh brings the moon within eighty miles of the earth. S? It fs a difficult thing to inn a sr.w mill with a force of example.

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